how can i start this... i can hardly believe it...but ask yourself what would make you snap and maybe you wont judge me or think of me as stupid.

i had been kicked out of home onto the street after confronting my family about trying to put me into a rest home and not getting me medication while i was physically in pain for a year.

i slept in my car. i worried ALOT. i thought about it....prostitution, agencies. i had no money. i felt orphaned. i slept on the street once, afraid.

i took the paper and looked at adds for escorts. i went to the phonebooth (after a suicide attempt). i couldnt ring. but i felt like one. i was so exhausted, i just needed money. i couldnt do anything else because of my illness.

this is painful but it had to come out...i will type more later

here i am again.

I will just see what comes out and fill in the subject and description after as usual.

Well i was good friends with a prostitute at 17 to 19. i started performing in a bar and some others at 17. i guess i met karen whos older and I became friends with her i even wrote her a song which i performed to her, it goes like this.

Dianne

never gonna love

never gonna love herself/myself (i change between these two) again

thats how she feels on those concrete mornings, Dianne, Dianne,

yeah its a fool's street lighted dance

and her hired hands light those street lamps

dianne

carving wooden sleeves 

its hard to peel them back again

honor you honor me,

we all slip through these streets

but at least it keeps me thinking

Dianne! 

yeah its a fool's street lighted dance

and her hired hands light those street lamps

because shes just hired love dianne

shes just hired love dianne, dianne...

dianne, dianne, dianne, dianne, dianne!

she knows....

the fools to come back again....repeats.

as a child i hung out in bars because my mothers Maori abusive partner (of 5 years) was an alcoholic. he was a physical abuser and i think a rapist. he used to hate me and just ask me to get him beers. he gave me a job in a violent pub at 12 and i waited on people...alcoholics....otherwise just sit in the car. or sometimes i would wait under the willow tree outside the pub and imagine a secret world. i like to live in a fantasy world for most my childhood but my father wouldnt allow it. i even hung out at the same place bikey gangs do. i grew up pretty young. driving my mother places drunk at 12 and buying her cigarettes. we had no money but lived in a big old house on a clifftop with 180 degree views of the country and city. i cooked for myself, cleaned the house and did my own washing and ironing (when i had a uniform at 12) and was very independent.

 some mornings the mist would just cover everything except the tops of hills. i wrote a poem about the mist at 11. i then skipped a year of school after living in australia (i also went up a year at school when i first got there but iwas 5 and i wanted to be around kids my own age). i took care of my 3 siblings. i thought for a time my mother would never get better. she used drugs and drank and partied with people about 21,25 years old.

as a little girl i had hearing problems and had to have several operations on my ears and get my tonsils out.

by 17 i got a job at a fruit and vege produce (i was vegetarian) store which i ran to (a fews hours away) in the rain on the weekends or hitched to (i hitch hiked alot) or cycled to and i also got a job performing while at highschool. then i had my car accident and that was just before the end of year exams...lthe ast year. i got internal assessment and was graded B bursary with uni entrance.  I went to an art course.

I just stared at that view every day after my head injury. my hair was shaven off. i sat quietly and waited for the nurse to visit me with my medication. i have just wriiten a song about that time and the isolation and feelings surrounding it. its called "catch a fire"

catch a fire

i hear you

come aboard

theres a dark cloud in the sky

you want to ride straight to the light

you want to catch a fire in the sky

the fogs down

on the ground

the birds sound

to the south

theres a dim light in the room

you want to breathe in light in each lung

you want to breath in time

in her arms

and catch a fire

catch a fire

catch a fire in the sky.

repeats catch a fire.

i had to wear tape on my face for- i think they told me a year! and a patch for a few months.

getting back to prostitution.....i always wondered in my days of being a christian (i am an atheist now) what it would be like to be homeless. i used to go to bars while i should be at uni  lectures and I'd sleep in parks (my head inury makes me sleep). i was addicted to buying second hand clothes and i had a huge selection esp of dresses. i had a huge couple of closets in the basement i stayed in and in one i just put chiffon and other old dresses in and lay on them in the dark with the cupboard closed imagining the lives of women who made them and wore them as I was going to sleep with the cupboard closed on me.

more later