“Erm, hello, I’m here to ask...”

“Hello. How may I help you?”

“Am I in the right place for…”

“You may well be. You’ve come to ‘A Void-Watchers’ Ear’.”

“Um, No, I’ve not come hear to avoid anyone. Why would anyone be watching me? I’m just looking for the reception because…”

“Yes, I’m sorry. ‘A Void-Watchers’ Ear’ is just our name for it. It’s Thawing Ice Awareness all over, changing everything we were familiar with.”

 “Oh… I’m not sure. I knew you did courses, but I didn’t think they had to do with the environment. I know all about these melting ice hats already, but…”

  “Sorry, you’ve lost me now.”

 “No, I know where you are, it’s OK. You’re right in front of me, behind the reception desk. But what’s it got to do with all that hole-in-the-frozen-layer argy-bargy? All I want is…”

 “No, have patience. I’ll explain. You’re getting caught in delusions of samsara. It’s not the ice caps we’re concerned with here. This is the Thawing Ice Awareness Project you’ve come to, the most advanced development yet for those who wish to experience the reformation of primitive spirituality in its pristine, unchanged state… We don’t consider ourselves to be running ‘a retreat centre’, that’s far too defeatist a term. We call Thawing Ice an advancing boundary, and there are no limits as to how basic a lifestyle you can get right back to here. Now, have you any questions?”

 “Well…”

 “Because if you have, you’re in the right place. The final outcome will be achieving such unconditional resolution of all doubt that you’ll seriously wonder why you ever wanted to know any of it to begin with... So, basically we offer tuition in various aspects of ‘The Indivisible Oneness Of Non-Duality’; there’s a component on ‘The Fundamentals of Essential Unity’, which is a completely different section of the syllabus to the other option, ‘The Essence of Fundamental Unity’, so you’ll have to choose you’ll have to choose one or the other before you begin… Or you can choose afterwards, but you can’t have it both ways... plus there’s also a separate and secluded ante-chamber where it’s possible to meditate on interconnectness in complete isolation. Any bits you missed?”

 “Just…”

 “So, you’ll be arriving at some kind of decision by now, so before you make your mind up I should mention what is definitely a sure-fire winner: the title, so as to be totally unambiguous, is “Why certainty destroys peace of mind – a conclusive definition of the inarguable need to remain open-minded”. And a lot of our visitors have achieved 100% in the test at the end of the 3 days. And several have come out of it convinced that Kagoul Gieka Buddhism is The Way for them, and taken monastic vows there and then, sure of their desire to spend all their remaining lifespans studying theories of reincarnation and doing menial work in the grounds… But you have to be entirely positive you’ll be able to focus yourself and not get distracted by any other conflicting ideas that you might come into contact with. We get some messed up people here, all right… Well, that brings me to my next query. Do you ever find yourself thinking you could do with being more receptive to those around you?”

 “Uhhh…”

 “Yes, I thought so. I can read you like a crystal ball, and the picture gets clearer the more fog there is obscuring the centre. Well, what could be useful is our seminar series on ‘Apprehending your scintillating lotus-heart of radiant altruism’. Quite simple, really… All about not judging others, any fool would know exactly what they’re going to get, just from the name, you get me? … No, I can see you don’t. You do strike me as the sort who’d be unfamiliar with the concept of not putting people in boxes. Let me put it another way: No-one gets their money back if they complain that this series wasn’t what they were expecting. I know how to spot a con-artist all right – they’re all the same… So, are you still dead set on making me waste my whole incarnation sitting here telling you what you should’ve been born knowing?”

 “Hang on…”

 “Then we have a set of classes which embody the Zen principle that there is no goal to search for. You’re enlightened already, you can realise it now, in the present moment. Myself, I’ll be a happy man when I’ve forgotten how enlightened I am again. Having ultimate attainment is fine, but you can get a bit unmotivated. Paradise syndrome, they call it, I think. Well, anyway, it’s true. Stop thinking about how to solve the problem and wake up: there is no problem. This is the way the world is meant to be, there is no future or past, and you’re a perfect version of yourself for the time being, the time being NOW as always. Shall I sign you up for ‘I Love Myself As I Am: I’m Already Just Fine, I Always Was, And I Always Will Be’...?”

 “You see…”

 “Naaaah. I’m kidding you about that one. If you were just fine, wouldn’t you understand all this without me having to help you through it all? I must’ve turned into a non-theistic St. Peter; I’ve the caring, maternal nature of Turquoise Trala, manifestation of the molly-coddling side of Buddha nature… I know, what you need is our simplest set of sessions perhaps. Something like ‘Generating The Will Taking The Path No-one Chooses To Travel’ which is the programme everyone’s been rolling up to enrol on is called l, and its all about renouncing all desire and craving. And I tell you what… Between you and me, I’d give up curried yak for a year to get another shot at being a punter on that. You get some fit fanny signing up to that one, and the best bit is, there’s not a one of those passive does who’ll be fussy about what you try and put over on them… Wouldn’t want to complain if you told them you’d drilling a peep-hole through to the women’s shower block. Hell’s Realms, these yoginis are so docile they don’t have sufficient self-will to fight their corner if you pierced a knob-hole to give them a good vajra through the wall… You like the sound of that?”

 “B-b-b…”

 “Course you do. Who in their right karmic vibrations wouldn’t? Now, where was I before I was interrupted? Oh yes, there’s always our crash-course into the secrets of Tantra. The one we do is ‘Short-Cuts To Acquiring Tantric Wisdom: How To Liberate Yourself From Worldly Lusts And Attain Supreme Equanimity Through The Excessive Use Of Alcohol, Meat, Drugs, Gambling, Sex, Sex Perversions, Violence, Underhandedness, Prejudice, Materialism, Bullying, Arrogance, Mind Control, Summoning Supernatural Entities, Harnessing Death Magic and Using Mobile Phones On Trains.’ Think you could cope with it?”

 “Mmm…”

 “Nahhh. Tell you the truth, I don’t recommend it. Diamond path? Diamond-you’re-having-a-laugh, more like! All it is is 3 days of learning all the exact correct formulas, chants, rituals, recipes, postures… There’s always our primer in the middle way, ‘Taking Moderation As Far As It Can Go’. It used to be taken by Lama Masturbuddha, though, but since he expired in a clash between radical Molotov-hurling anarchists and hardcore state-equipped fascists, the standard of middle way teaching here’s been decidedly mediocre. I suppose he’s still settling into his new body-mind vessel, but I hate to say it… I told him what would come of getting mixed up between social issues. The community still thinks he was caught between the two forces, and died a diplomatic death acting as a peace-maker. The thing is, I was watching from the sidelines over a nice safe cup of green tea, and he wasn’t in the middle at all; he was fighting on both sides alternately, and then at once, and he managed to kill himself two ways at once… Right, are you still none the wiser after all the help I’ve given you?”

 “I don’t…”

 “I bet you do as well! It’s Course Code 4W you need after all! ‘The Third Way: Simple Maths For The Religiously Minded’. As easy as three equals one. I’ll put you down for it, then. That’s £3,000 pounds per day, you can pay by cheque or credit card. These things cost money, we’re here to teach compassion, not give it away. Are you going to be staying on site? Shall I put you down for dinners in The Puja Pagoda? And will it be the dormitories, single or double room, or luxury condo with everything en suite? Whichever way, a full range of facilities is provided, but it is 20p to get into the lavatories, and running water is charged by the small cupful… Oh, and I’ll warn you now, you’ll be expected to clean the toilets as part of the communal pooling of labour, which adds up to a lot of 20p’s, when you’re in and out of the cubicles with a mop and bucket, so make sure you’ve got plenty of change on you… Now, I didn’t catch your name, I’ll need that for the booking form, mailing list, and we reserve the right to pass it on to sympathetic organisations. Come on, then, speak up! Don’t be so passive, fella!”

 “I only came in to ask for the way into Bodbick, actually. I’m new in town, and I…”

   “Yeah? Well I’ll tell you the way, alright. Get the be-jeezus out of my head, you freak! Do we look like a charity? You think I care about your custom? I’m purified from attachments to worldy ambitions like selling flimmin’ courses for commission! Go on, get lost, cheapskate! Vamoose! Go sit under a tree or something if you can’t afford a proper course in Buddhism… I don’t know what the world’s coming to.”