I am in one of those moods today where I can’t stand me. more like why would anyone stand me and I am never going to find what I am looking for. I feel like I am in a rut. I know what I need to do with my life and yet I don’t know how to do it.

I feel fucking jaded and I don’t like it.

I refuse to be pessimistic when I have been optimistic my whole life. I refuse to let the shit that happens to me get me down for long periods of time. I have been down; I spent so much of my life miserable. I wont let it happen anymore. I don’t want to be that empty shell girl.

In my one of my favorite movies her friend sits her down and says

"I’m scared for you"

"Scared of what"?

"Scared that you will never recover. That you will become that empty shell person"

"What empty shell person"

"You know when you see someone on the street pass by you and think to yourself  "what the fuck happened to them" there was a point in there life where they were at a crossroads and something happened and it just destroyed them” She goes on to talk about how they had that decision to fight back or succumb.

I REFUSE to be that empty shell person; I am just not sure how I am going to do that yet.

So even when my thoughts are screaming I will still put on a smile and not let them win.

I still feel down. Pep talks only work to an extent. I don’t know, I feel like why would anyone see anything good in me? I’m a fucking failure.

I am a strong woman. I know that much. But I still feel like I should just isolate myself. Maybe I will.... who knows.

I'm sorry, this is more of a thought vomit and I will get through whatever this fucking through is. I just have to sit through it. Wish me luck....