Okay, now on paper, I am not that bad a guy really. I'm pretty polite when it's called for and I like to think that there is some semblance of a gentleman in my demeanor and actions. I am not going to trail off into a list of my accolades, but on paper, I'm an alright dude.
Why then is it that I can't see that? I know that a low self-esteem is a part of everyone's life, especially people of our ilk. Generally it appears that people are not happy with their current state of being, whether it be materialistic or intrinsic. The problem that I am coming across is that I am feeling this overwhelming surge of self-criticism and quite degrading thoughts. I'm not feeling a vain sort of "I don't like my hair" or "I think my hips are too big" sort of low self-esteem, more of a "Why bother? You suck!" sort of emotion. All of this stems from one of the oddest and most absurd places too!
There are only a few things in my life that I take pride in. I only have a handful of talents, skills, or whatever you would like to call it. Without instruction or classes, I have been able to guess-and-check my way around several trades to achieve what I feel is a mediocre level at best. Others tend to disagree with me. Sometimes people find beauty in my art, melody in the instruments I play, skill with my metal and auto work, and entertainment with my writing. I just don't see what they are seeing! Why am I always so harsh when it comes to self-criticism? Maybe it's my primitive outmoded instinct that is saying "You're nothing if you're not the best" or "Second place is a First place loser." I know that I am relatively new with some of my hobbies, yet I feel the need to be the best at them. I am utterly disheartened when I see what Masters of the trade have accomplished. I place my work along side theirs and take a harsh blow to my esteem when I fail to compare. That isn't good is it? I feel like I shouldn't even bother when in the scheme of things, my art/work is juvinelle at best. Where others see promise and talent, I see generic trash. I actually end up scrapping half of my projects far before they are finished because I don't find satisfaction in my work. I know that I can't just pick up a chisel and a block of marble and create a masterpiece, but I can't help but place such expectance upon myself. I always feel as though I'm working with play-doh and legos, but trying to make the Venus de' Milo.
That can't be healthy, huh? How can I build a better "me" when I am always deconsructing what progress I make?
-Anthony
