It's killing me inside. It's killing who I was and who I want to be. And it's no ones fault but my own. I just keep trying, thinking in my head that they won't ever win. They've won. If they didn't I wouldn't have to fight this anymore. I want to be how I was before, peaceful, relaxed. So careing, so loving. All I wanted to do was love the people that are around me.  But after years of allowing people to get close to me, only to knock me back down, it's gotten to me. I'm only 19 and it's driving me insane. I can't bring myself to trust anyone, as much as I try. As much as I fight it, it doesn't work. Everyone is full of shit in my eyes and then, the smallest of lies hurt me. So my whole life I've tried to fight them, saying i'd never turn out like them, so fuckin apathetic. They don't care about anyone but themselves.
But look at me now. I'm constantly fighting with myself, slowly losing the fight as the years go by. And what do I have in my head now? Fuck everyone, everyone can go fuck themselves. And every little fuckin word that comes out of their mouths is complete fuckin bullshit to me. Everyone is full of shit. Why do I waste my time with these people? I keep asking myself. Why the fuck do I continue to care so much, when I know what the outcome will be. Everyone cares about each other, until they get bored, until someone makes a mistake, then they let it out. All the lies. Every little fuckin lie feels like a stab in the back. No longer does it slide off my back. Now I hold deep resentment for everyone who i've allowed to get close. Because I know what they're going to say before they even say it.  It's not hatred yet, but I feel the hatred growing, slowly every time I state my opinions, and every time they feed me the smallest lie, I feel it. And the fact that I notice the effect this world has had on me, I get even more angry, because it's no ones fault but my own.  And my hatred is directed at me. And everyday i'm angry. Never satisfied. What am I looking for? And why am I always depressed.
I'm fine one day, and the next, I don't even want to keep living in this mess.
How do I fix this?