I know it seems like I do nothing but bitch here. I don't care. I don't think that anyone I know can even find this blog, so this is where I want to write my deepest frustrations. I don't trust anyone right now.

My boyfriend just said "what the fuck is your problem?" to me. I asked him the same question back and he stormed out. He's been doing some stupid shit lately. I think he might be trying to get back with his ex. I'm fucking tired of that shit happening. It happens every time he doesn't have a job for a while, and I'm fucking sick of it. He talks about wanting to get married and have a family, but he fucking puts it off more and more and I just don't believe him anymore. We've been together for three and a half years. One would think that we would have this shit straight by now. Guess not.

My boss just got fired on Friday. I still haven't completely processed that, and my emotions haven't sorted themselves out. I didn't want him to get fired. In fact, I strongly believe that with him gone, the peer support center is going to be fucked. Since we started as a drop-in center, he has worked his ass off to change the image from a homeless hangout to a legit place. I'm trying to relay that to the board, who SHOULD know that already, but my boss's job has been in danger ever since we got a new board president. And now we have one, and everyone who is a member here HATES him, and I just don't see how I can continue to work somewhere where people obviously don't have a chance to change. We've all done fucked up shit. We've all done things to make the Center look bad. I don't care. He was using his second chance to make a good change, and they overlooked that and fired him anyway. Things were getting so great around here. The board president has been so subversive and divisive in this process, I don't think I can ever trust him. He used things said in confidence to him against other people, and that is so against what we do here that I have no respect for him.

So at this point, things are changing at such a rapid pace, and I haven't slept in days...and I am having a really hard time dealing. I sat on the Downtown Mall yesterday with a sign and my dog and panhandled for a few hours. I've never done that before, but I'm broke and I have no food in my house, or cigarettes. I'm just not doing very well at this point. My partner in crime, my closest supporter, has proven himself untrustworthy, and my boss, the one person who I could trust to be honest and up-front with me, has been fired. I can still talk to him, but it's not the same. And I don't know what I want to do in the future. Do I even want to stay?

Too many things floating around in my head right now. I'll probably go home at 4 and paint my house some more. I can disappear inside my head for a few hours if I do that. I can't stand feeling this lost, unprepared...I feel like the ground is slowly slipping away beneath my feet and I have nothing to hang on to. And that scares me more than anything.