I have become relentless now in my persuit of something, although I know nothing of what I'll find. As to what I will be posting here, the idea's and concepts are ones that I have kept with me for some time. I've recently come to learn that healing can only take place when a certian degree of wholeness is achieved, as to what that wholeness may apply to within the individual who may assume themselve as the reader, I myself can't know. But what I do know is that through sharring, energy can move, and as far as I can tell the movement of certian energy will promote healing so I've decided to share a few writings which I hope will be of use to someone. If not, it should provide an interesting read none the less =], enjoy.

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I've learned that comunication can take forms in many fascets of the human endevour, often times transcending the means of what is often considered normal, touching more into a world that is utterly beyond both our comprehension and any combination of words that would attempt towards it's description.

The world is, as I see it, composed of many things. Yet in its composition it does nothing in achieving the sheer vastness and complexity of this universe. I am after all only one person. And as being seprate to my own degree, yet still very much apart of this "whole' in it's entirety, I can say with a certian degree of certianty that I am I, and because of that I am unique, but because this planet and all its happetents both human and beyond outweighs the ceterian degree of uniqunenss I withhold as an individual, whatever individuality I posess becomes insignificant, and easily non-existent; the same for which would apply to this planet, even in relation to this galexy, much less whatever may lay beyond.

I find that people are trapped within a particular conundrum. It's impossible to determan if it is a thing of happenstance or if it is in existance by some unseeable force. It's likely that either both or niether would apply, but I find it difficult to accept that there isnt some puppetmaster on the other side of this, pulling the strings and playing it's role for what it thinks it's soposed to do. Although the mear implication of what I am applying would easily sustain an echoing factor in the idea that if that exist, then whats behind it must exist too, and thereon for whatever else might be imaginable to the person conemplating such things. The particular conundrum I'm refering to though, is of particular value and can be sustained within human contemplation, and the value of what comprehension one may posess. This puzzle, although endless in its existance seem's to be of one limiting factor, being which our belief system is contained, and from what i can see, the containment occures at early childhood. In this occurance I've noted that those who remain unaware of it's existance, and the possibility of what lay beyond are perpetually in a state of conflict, being either that with themselves, or that with the world that surrounds them. making them all the more suseptable for taking on the false pretence that when someone else says something that sounds true, it must be, and if that person is write, and making a point to them... they must be wrong, therin lies the confliction. I.e. of the altered state, beyond this thing; I say these idea's with a certian conviction, and although in the moment where the words and concepts are being presented are to be true, the moment I stray away from them they become a thing of only relase, a metaphysical method of relasing steam, or thoughts that seem to build after a certian amount of time.

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In my conviction to music, within the deidication that still I strive towrds it's acievment, I see the opurtunity to arrive at such a conclusion that these things of clutter, which to this day remain as a constant nusance, will diminish to a point of pure oblivion, where only then I will be capable to compose. As of now I feel bombarded, reuced to a state of nothingness only to strive within this sesspool of socioty. The pain and purest of emotion seems never ending, yet the contrast between the two seems stark, I have few things left to myself that do not create this burden. Among those the imagination which only recently Has reached such a point, both beyond my own comprehension and to it's own right, beyond all things concivable from this reality. And my piano... My poor miis treated piano. I feel such an overwhelming connection with this object, that the simple thought of what it pretains within my meager existence as of late brings me to a point of tears, the thought alone, that this thing, this counterpart and contradiction to that which I may be precieved, is a thing of such overwhelming complexity and beauty beyond what words I am capable of expressing... holds the key to a place which I have only dreamed of, this place of solemn beauty and the capacity to lift all those who deem themselves apart of it. Someday I will find this place, and music will be such a part of me that no thing beyond my own creation will be able to penetrate that existence, and to that point I will find my place of bliss and aprehension to all which may seem unatainable to my peers and those who dwell along with me.

I am aware of myself in this place. I see clearly the trauma that has placed me within these confounds and all the people that have provided the sparks necessary to create such a thing of this dissastor. But I cannot blame them. I can only feel this empathy and love for them, as if I have begun some persuit to nurture them, if only through my solitary words, which from what I can tell, have little effect when they come to surface, again, it is if I am trapped, and have been for a long time.

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One thing I find that will always fasinate me about this race, although seemingly insignificant through it's simple and crude means of expression and it's inability to compencate for all it's wrong doings, and the very nature as it is known to be, in all greed and selfeshness... is the shear amount of torment and pain the human soul is able to endure. To the very point of it's own distruction, it takes an ample and argiouse force to break it of it's will to survive, to dismount it of it's preservierance simply to find what is beyond that horizon, and so forth. That, and that alone is how I can define humanity, the very seed of it's existence and the curiosity that drives even the simpleist of minds.

However, I fear that point draws nearer, although I can admit that the force and condition that has brought us to this point in existence, of such grim facility, does not seem entirely--if at all of it's own making.

11:26 PM 10/7/2009


Thats all I have to depart with for now. As far as the metaphysical and spiritual idea's contained within these writing goes, I'm happy if not enthralled to talk to anyone about them and anything and everything they might have to share as well. And of corse a simple down to earth chat is always welcomed too :)