So it's gotten bad. I am very empty and can't feel much. I feel ashamed some how. I called in a new prescription of Abilify and then found in the back of the cupboard there is a new bottle already there.

dad and I discussed things this morning. Grandma and Grandpa are with mom at this cabin up high on a mountain because she's not changed since i saw her last.

Dad explained to me the time she was on a retreat and left. She got on a plane to get home and then they switched in Denver. She got a rental car there and drove into the worst neighborhood and wandered around barefoot then got on a greyhound bus and somehow ended up at my aunt's house. I don't remember it though.

That is one reason we need to get her to a hospital. She is very delusional and paranoid. That's why it is so dangerous. I think she has attempted suicide a long time ago. I hope that she can get help and I'm sure she will.

I realize that my aunt and grandma may have been a little intrusive. But perhaps they are right and it is genetic or I have somehow inherited a gene. It makes me wonder when I think of the rare bone disorder I have that has to do with wearing down the coating around the nerves. I don't know if there have been studies if that is possible in the brain. 

So I have my medication but I'm just going to wait awhile until I really decide I need it. It's like once I start taking it then I don't want to go off because it's so inconsistent. I would like to be off meds but I don't think these certain ones interfere in any way with my life.

I'm thinking about trying an anti-depresent called trazodone. I found it although it's over two years old. I also found klonopin which was at the right moment because I was really feeling anxious and ripped apart.

I get somewhat aggitated. I get headaches lately and feeling anger impulses I usually do not have. I want to get back to where I was. Though the Trazodone is 'take as needed' and I wonder if that works well.