I wrote this shortly after an attempt to take my own life:

More Life.

I want more life. I sit here with hands that are dirty, wrists that are bloodied and I am sick; but I want more. I want to feel pain, pain for pleasure, pain is life and I want more life.  My day will come I know and when it does I will scream more.  Life is up, Life is down, Life grabs you spins you round, kicks the shit out of you then spits you on the ground.  I get up soaked in saliva feeling worthless but I still scream More.  Why because life is an addiction that no one can kick.  Even ones that do, still crave it.  That last second where they let go, in panic they reach for a hand but one is not there.  Life is unforgiving, you turn your back and Life turns theirs.  When you face it again Life can no longer see you.  You are gone you made your choice.  I choose to stand face to face with Life and scream as loud as I can Fuck You, You Will Not Beat Me!.  Life then laughs that cold cutting laugh that pricks the soul.  It mocks you, tempts you, give in, screaming back "You're Weak!"  But I am not weak, I am strong, I will fight, get up when pushed down, move forward when held back, all the time saying more, more, more.  Life throughs you in mazes that you become lost, don't know where to go, don't know who to ask.  You have to keep moving, keep focused for stillness is a killer that inflicts pain on the inside until there is nothing left but an idle mind, free to spawn demons.  When you walk the scenes change but the mood can remain the same - dark and mysterious.  But you have to keep going.  You walk, you walk and you walk until you find it.  A delicate flower that is surrounded by dead forest.  You pick it up and gaze at true beauty, it takes hold of you makes you feel invincible, makes you feel happy.  It is moments like these that Life rewards you, sits you down and tells you how important you really are.  Moments like these are rare and don't come often but they do come.  Patience is a virtue, it is so true.  I have it.  You have it.  I and you will have those moments, and is why we want it, that is why we need it, that is why we will have...

More Life