well it was j's birthday and we did nothing and he said it was his best birthday ever. he is so sweet. he said this after i could not go out to eat or go even get some decent groceries...i made eggs and potatoes for dinner and he said this, all enthusiastic about the food. he is just so sweet. i wanted to do something special. i make plans when i have a wave of feeling better--and sometimes the hypomania confused me into thinking i am better--but then it hits me hard and i get all sick again. it is just a bad flu. a flu can really throw off my bipolar stuff.

i cook. that's ok. he so far does more cleaning than me. i feel bad about that but well i have been so out of it.

i am a mess and all this but he is just so sweet. he just likes me a lot no matter what i do. i mean i don't get it yet, really. why does he like me. i mean he loves me. why. i really get confused. and this kind of wonderful unconditional love too...why. i keep expecting to scare him with something.

i was talking tonight a lot i guess after waking from a nap all disoriented. i said, "you aren't listening." he said, "well you are talking about a million subjects at once." so hehe. i guess i am hypomanic. he is just so sweet. patient man.

i generally felt very uncomfortable in most past relationships and had a feeling of dread and such about them all the time. and i always wanted lots of space. but with j i can feel i have space even in the same room with him. we can be together and also alone together. but i talk too much. i feel bad. i don't always talk. he is jus very patient. i feel so calm in my spirit with this guy. i feel so at peace.

ah sigh. i am so grateful. i had some wonderful gifts from the cosmos lately despite all my struggles. on the surface to some, this would have seemed like a very bad year for me. but really it is one of the best.