grief has finally caught up with me. it has been one year and one month since tempest was murdered and i am finally just feeling it in a way that is nearly unbelievable to me. unbelievable if i was not so well aquainted with the numinous world and the non-mundane. also too much change is happening. i am all over the place. i need to put my feet in and on the earth more often because most of the time i feel like i am floating several inches above. i want to come down. everything feels as though it is changing. perhaps even my dna structures my genetic make-up. physically speaking my responses are different this time around and i'm bewildered by my body. what's going on here? she has no responses for me. i'm trying to take care of her. there's a disconnect. things could be different. mostly though things are alarmingly the same. i think changes would change more. inside i recognize the terrain of madness, i recognize the jagged edges of crisis and the warped reality of breakdown/breakthrough. i think maybe it has been a long time since i have been here. i think maybe if i think that i am thinking wrong. lion reminds me that i have strength, that having walked this path before is an asset, not a terror. sometimes it feels like terror rushing up and at me, like i am falling from a plane with the earth getting closer closer closer with every second. it is hard not to be scared. however yes i see what lion is saying: hitting the earth is hitting home, saying hello, i know this place, it is not so frightening as if it was new and unknown. i've been here before and yes before i've found my way out, too.