January 30, 2009

This past month has been absolutely amazing for me. Last month, I met a person who I would end up falling head-over-heels in love with. He is a gorgeous, amazing, wonderful young man named Rodrigo. He's my age, a little shorter than I am, with a big delightful grin with a little gap in his teeth and a brightly-colored mohawk. He's smart, nice, considerate, funny, ambitious and compassionate, and he is the best thing to happen to me since my nephews were born. We initially met online, found we had a lot in common, emailed each other regular for a month or four, before finally meeting up for breakfast in Washington, DC. We talked about our experiences as queer, transsexual men and other things, and he was so good-looking and easy for me to talk to, I was so excited and filling up with crushiness, I almost forgot to eat my omelette! We continued to talk frequently after that and I decided to visit him for a few days up where he goes to college. By then, we'd confirmed our mutual crushes on each other, and by the time I came back home to the DC area, we'd had lots of awesome, heart-warming sex, really amazing talks about past abuse histories and triggers and gained more of each other's trust and respect and love, and decided to become boyfriends. It was wonderful, domestic, boyfriendy bliss, and I had not been that happy continuously in I don't know how long, maybe ever. There's really only been one slip away from that awesome happiness, and that was due to lack of open, honest conversation on my part due to wariness of confrontation, and the former issue has been resolved. We are enthusiastically making plans to live together after he graduates this summer, and I'm nervous but also excited. This wonderful new love between him and me is like nothing I've ever had before: he truly seems to love me unconditionally, accepts and even loves how my madness gives me a different take on the world, supports me and doesn't judge me like others do. He makes me feel like I'm worth something, not ruined from abuse or madness, and like I'm capable of trusting someone and opening myself up to the right person while also keeping in check with my safety and boundaries. He is the light to my darkness, the highs to my lows. My nightmares and bad thoughts seem to fade away when I'm with him, and he gives me another reason not to kill myself, because I know how much it would hurt him. With Rodrigo in my life now, I know that even if I'm plummetting through darkness, and in so much pain, he will be there to catch me, heal me and lift me back up to the sun. He gives me one huge reason to not just exist, but live, and do what I can to push forward and upward.