well i made it there, thanks to my mom, who came and got me...the med group...where you wait like a cattle call for med changes from doctors who don't know you...

i waited three hours. i talked to people. one woman was having a hard time walking and talking and trying to tell some health professional on the phone about it, someone told her to quiet down but she had a hearing issue. then i met a navajo/apache man. i told him of my miami background. i had been wishing for the rain, looking at the sky, wondering if i could make it rain. well the clouds came in and he told me, "now it will rain and snow. it's your fault."

he did not know what i had been wishing. but maybe he did. are we all connected? he went to drink across the street somewhere and gave me a hug, and said "you're beautiful"

one woman was practically bionic. her face was reconstructed, her spine, she had 18 surgeries, she still had this look of hope in her eyes. more hope than i have. she went through a lot.

some people i vaguely remembered from hospital stays. we squinted in the sun in partial recognition, reintroducing ourselves. many people slur and walk with a shuffle.

doctors with strange beards come in and out with the strangest ways they look at us briefly milling about. the women doctors just have nice haircuts.

i saw the nurse practioner. she had the bipolar program down, thinks i must have mood stabilizer, thinks my doses are not at the "therapeutic levels" and she does not know me. my regular doctor does and knows i need very very low doses or i get sick generally. it really sucks. the n.p at first wanted to add prozac, to help me get off effexor. i said, well i can't sleep. isn't that bad for that and the reason i need to get off effexor is i am too wired. she said, no you are wired because you are manic. do you have racing thoughts? i tried to avoid answering. i said "medium" eventually. ugh. so now instead of reducing a med that needed reducing, another med is being added to the mix. i acted agreeable, i did not want to deal with a challenge today. i was too tired and anxious and figure if i don't like the med, i just won't take it. i have stockpiles of meds on hand...some are out of date tho. i tweak them here and there. you have to. they don't know how they affect us all differently sometimes. but they have these assembly line med programs, put em all on depakote--in the hospital still, here it is haldol prn. all the fricking time, it is haldol for pacing, haldol for crying, haldol for being too uppity. they just get into one line of thought that one thing works for everyone and just make the doses high enough to keep us complacent enough. she said my abilify was not the therapeutic level, who the hell decides the therapeutic level? should we have some say in this? ugh. so i talked her out of raising the fry. but i have a new med now to try.

an actual mood stabilizer. i thought the fish oil was my mood stabilizer. it is a risk because i have been sick on every one so far...all that is left to try are equetro and trileptal. so i am going on equetro. i don't know why. but i feel i may try and if i somehow magically start sleeping again, well i will be in heaven. but if i never sleep and i just get sicker, i won't take it.

to top it all off...they have that toxic rug glue. i know it. they had to shut down the epa evn for this toxic rug glue but they still did not ban it. it makes the eyes burna dnmakes people anxious. they have toxic rug glue at a lot of video stores it seems and in new cars. it makes me woozy. so there was that too. it was crappy.

so i don't know how or when i am getting off effexor. she said we will deal with that later. i really can't believe she wanted to add prozac to get me off effexor.

she was nice enough but was looking at me funny, at my "racing thoughts" behaviour. i was just so tired. i am sick too and i have sudafed in me as well.

i also had to do paperwork and set my goals. it is all so generic. so i made stupid goals too, simple ones to just get through the paperwork.

it was freezing out there. it really may snow. i wish. i love snow. well...except well maybe not. my friend i met there, i think he was homeless so maybe we can do without snow. i hope he's ok out there.