Hello blog.

Today, (yesterday now actually) is (was, grrr) the first day in months i have felt remotely normal. it was strange waking up, getting up, with no paticular mood to deal with. As the day went on, i grew cherry. i suspected it was because i felt 'normal' phew, what a releif! i did not expect to swing into mania. i did not, i swear it. I fell into depression only (June 1st i think, 11th now....) eleven days ago.... got to be my shortest depression yet, to date.

Right now, im sitting in My parents lounge, barely lit, with a fire i made myself. I lit it beause my mum has raynards (sp?) and i thought it would be nice if when she woke it was not absolutely f n freezeing. I have with me ONE GLASS with ONE SIP of a rather nice liquor, oh wait....Gone ;) As a rule i dont drink. My parents think its a rule they inforced, but i had already made a pact with myself, as a reminder i tied a black ribbon around my wrist... it broke about april, that made it 5 1/2 months with no alcohol, no drugs. *darkling pours herself a second.................takes a sip...*grins**

haha, i feel great. I went to my friend birthday party last night ( sat..two nights ago now by the time my clock is telling me it is ) and found out she got engaged to her boyfriend, on her birthday. It was a pretty good party, except i was sober and found myself holding back from most conversation because i did not (hear me NOT) want to draw attention to myself. Suffered a bit of good ol fasioned anxiety... you all know how it is. oh wait, there was this one moment, when most had left for the pubs, when it was me, a gay dude i just met, and birthday girl indoors, and this tune came on C4, you are all from a different country so you prolly don't have the same adds... but this song off the ipod add...... i just lost it kinda, started dancing wildly, arms a-flailing, beat in my body.. haha.

Anyways besides the odd glass of wine and a few rtds( i ended up kissing a good friend of mine that has a crush on me but i dont wish to elaborate(fn COMPLIATED)) This is the most drunkard ive been since october, when i made the pact. Im starting to wonder if this is the place to be rambling.....Hmmm, Hell, if i put it in Word im probably never going to read it again so i guess this will do.

I, however, will try to stay on topic!

in this moment, i want to thank a few of the tipuns. Annie, my first, and always in my mind :) jpikin, Empties,Rouge,Flip, I read everything you guys post. Ketogah(sp?) i really admire you, you seem so strong..and so kind and supportive of many here, im so glad you are here for us! and... scorpionrising (really? am i drunk already to forget peoples names?!??) You my friend, crack me up and have extended a hand, two things i want to thank you for.

Go(d)sh i feel so cheezy. im wondering if i should stop...or not. i dont now how far... i could go on forever.... Annie, i don't know if you will read this but i am making you and me a pot of Earl Grey (you like it?) at daybreak. i think i am even going to pour you a cup, seriously, and imagine us having tea together.....yay :) O000h, 5.20am... probably about an hour till sunbreak? hrmmm, time to re-read.. aha i just heard a rooster!!!

 

Oh and my brother is home... oh no... *hides drink*

 

HRrrrmmmmphf. What else......

I wonder if my calling is Shaminisim. .... oh hmmm gtg.. thanks ICARUS!!! XXX