sorry. i feel like a first blog post ought to be an introduction. you'll get one, at some point. right now i have to talk about today.

i don't even know if it matters whether i try to explain how i got there. the fact is, i feel like i've failed at everything i've ever done. i've failed my parents, my teachers, my (former) husband, my children, my boss, my lovers, my self. i've spent the past 16 months (since losing custody of my kids) hanging on by a thread. then i was raped two months ago, and it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. i've been spiralling since then, tighter and tighter circles, till it's a just spinning in my head and i'm dizzy and overwhelmed and absolutely certain that they'd all be better off without me. that's all that keeps me here most of the time - worrying about hurting them.

i can't even bring back the day, really. but i remember crying and telling ben i was sorry, that i couldn't do it anymore, etc. he left, and i remember sitting down at my laptop and opening a new email message in one window and a new reply to "roll call" in another, and starting to address the email to folks i knew i wouldn't see and might want to say something to before i did it. before i started typing, the gas man knocked at my door, here to re-light my stove after the gas was turned back on. when i took him downstairs to lane & bee's apartment so we could get to the water heater in the basement, ben was on the front porch. i went down to hang out and smoke with him and bee, and somehow, the lights came back on, colors were colored again instead of dark ugly greys.

we were talking about building raised beds and compost bins in the parking lot behind our house (there's no grass, just asphalt), and i was talking about doing an overwinter layered compost directly in the beds, and suddenly i just laughed and said, "look at me, talking like i'm still gonna be here in the spring!" bee left the room for a while and we sat just looking into each other's eyes and saying "i love you" and "thanks" and such.

after a bit, i started to realize just how close i really came today. i cried and shook and stared into my sweetheart's eyes, feeling sort of shell-shocked, you know?

after he left for an appointment he needed to keep, i stayed and talked to bee a bit more. i told her thanks for telling me she loved me when i saw her early in the day, even though at the time i couldn't really hear it. i also told her, when she said that she feels like she really doesn't know what to say, that's it's not so much what i need people to say so much as where they say it from. that is, i need to hear from folks who will tell me they love me, tell me i'm not alone, tell me they want me to stay around, tell me their own stories, whatever, but tell me from a position of respecting my right to self-determination and knowing me well enough to know that i'm not making a rash, ill-thought-out decision, and that i have, in fact, thought of every angle and every person i will hurt and every other possible consequence. i said, "when you're tempted to remind me of some reason i shouldn't kill myself, remember that i've thought through the possible consequences of this for decades, and i'm actually here, in my life, and i know what's at risk, and i know who'll be hurt." the fact is, for a long time now i've been hanging around because i don't want to hurt the folks who love me. if hearing that they love me and want me to stay stops being enough, there won't be anything left for me to stay for.

the issues are still here. they still feel insurmountable. the people i love are still the only thing keeping me here. but i guess it's good that something is.

now i'm going to finish making amazing mashed potatoes and take them downstairs for dinner.

want to comment but don't want to register? email me.