i don't even know what kind of day today is. i can't write poetry anymore. maybe i need to move on to stories again. but that requires energy. i don't think i am really depressed but i am sad. i am happy too. it is both. it is not an extreme mixed state or anything, just that there are always things that contradict each other in my life.

i missed that med group. i was going to miss it to see the doctor but then felt too sick to go to the doctor. so they must be thinking i am being non-compliant. but i got ahold of some extra effexor and i had some extra fry and i have a little xanax so it seems i will make it til the next one, next friday. they infuriate me when they call me non-compliant. that nurse the other day made me so mad when she said all patronizingly, "how OLD are you." and then when i would not tell her she said "oh i have your chart right here, i can look it up..." like it had to do with anything. "we are out of compliance here..." she said. i know i need to see the psychiatrist but i can't get in now til march all cause i had the flu and this med group thing is so impersonal and you wait forever. i am going to have to do it next friday. i am going to have to make it to three appointments next week. i know it sounds pathetic, how hard it is for me to go, but i am limited in energy again. the flu wipes me out and can trigger epstein barr and chronic fatigue episodes as well. i really don't know what it is, but it seems i still have the cold-flu thing 10 days later.

i am not feeling very sexy that's for sure. then my friend just told me today that my body is not my real body. that it is a meds body. i don't know what to think of this. i ranted about it already in rants and rages. he is a very dear friend, he means well and yes, there are issues with meds with me. and hormonal weirdness. but still. it is my body as it is right now in the now. i am extra curvy--some people like it and he does not get it.

j likes me. he does and i like him and all is well with love. well i had said this to my friend, j likes me as i am. and that is when he said , "but that is not really your real body"

well i had been healing in that area especially with this wonderful person here who loves me as i am. so anyways, i will work through it.

i mean i don't especially like being this big and i do hope if it is med issue that it gets resolved--especially if meds are causing the hormonal problems. but...i still have to deal with what i am now, and i still need to love myself as i am now. i just have to because my immune system is so bad.