after staring at the phone non stop waiting to hear i needed to get away and sort this out. so hear i am expressing my thoughts for the first time in a long time. forget my thereapist, parents,  relatives pretty much anybody for that matter that hasn;t expieriened the destruction of benzodiazepine;s. even as i sit here 20 month;s free form the poison i still feel on the edge of not making it. maybe thats why i am so worried and afraid for my friend.i know the places this drug can take your mind. the fears panics sheer terror that theres no escaping from. it;s like falling down a black hole that has no bottom. getting glimmers of hope and peace are the only things keeping me going , even if it;s for a passing moment. my friend read my story posted on the freedom center and we became quick friends, talking nightly about how it;s goin to be after we get better. her living in new jersey and me in westerm mass are only way to communicate is bty phone. she was doin fairly well after her abrupt withd from ativan per her doctors orders, suffering protracted symptoms that only time would heal. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, after 4 months off and no support at home she went back on valium. not being able to properly heal with rest, support , and a verbaly and mentally abusive ex husband she felt theres was no where to turn. i love my friend and wanted her to know the truth about healing from benzos and the only way is to stay off as i can attest to there is no other way, but i alao wanted to be supportive in her decision , so i decided to support her with what ever choice she made,, her first suicide attemt came about 3 weeks ago,after she got home from the carrier clinic where they told her they were experts in benzo recovery,, the doctors concoction he swears by is a mixture of depakote, neurontin,trazedone,antivert,baclofen,and desiprmine, and top it all off with a little klonipan, the drug iv;e been off almost 3 years and am stiil tryin to find my brain. since she got home our talks are differant, she has no spark theres a hollowness that scares me. i am so attatched to her , i am in her mind, i know the that feeling sheer terror, isolation, lonliness, fear, panic, i fear the worst for my friend since the biggest thing of all, the thing that saved my life the only thing i had left to hang on to , she dosn;t have,, i know if was with her i could help her hold her tell her it;s goin to be ok,, i know i could save her life. these things are not possible as her ex lives in the house and won;t even let her talk to anyone, he dosn;t even know his jelousy, his insecurity, his inibility to truly care and love might cost my friend her life.......it;s now been 3 day;s since my friend told me her klonipan intake had escalated to 4 milligrams per day and she wasn;t finding any relief,,, no text, no calls,, silence. i told my friend i loved her last week as i sensed something. i hope i can tell her again,,,,,,,,,,,,mark