I was reading on the forum about sex addiction and realized that I have been having a lot of partners lately and using sex as a way to feel normal to feel good about myself to be I dunno. I think it's the only form of recreation i can do with another person right now. It's what I think of. It's what I'm interested in. The attention.

I think i might be bi-polar. I was diagnosed 2 years ago with dysthymic disorder which is mild depression with anxious elements that's long lasting and something you never think is a disorder until you're told its a disorder. But last year around the same time as now I stopped taking my medication and shit went wild. In a month of being at my parent's house in nyc (I was going to school in florida at the time, just graduated in MAy this year) I broke up with my long term relationship partner, went to more parties than I ever did in my entire college career, got arrested (for justice) and had a lot of sexual partners.

After having problems with the polyamory thing, I cooled off on the sex. I went to a summercamp in the woods and cleared my head of substance abuse or aka partying b/c i'm not so sure it was substance abuse and became celebate. Well, I don't know if it was just because I was rejected from the one I was pursuing though, but it was this sort of mental conviction to not have unnecessary sex.

For the remainder of the summer/beginning of fall I had one major partner. I actually quesitoned why i wasn't more promiscuous when i had an opportunity for it. Previous to this partner, whom I adored, I did choose to have a one-nighter, and during the act grew very very very regrettful of that decision. IT was like I just grew bored with it mid-sess.

Now, I gathered a lot of partners around and up until last week I was so very very high on meeting people and jetting around the country and being on top of my game, feeling like everything was possible. Last week I had fixation on suicidal variations.

Maybe it's because i'm in the same environment that I was in when I quit pills cold turkey last year (in my parent's residence). Maybe it's because I'm in NYC and that place might just drive me crazy (though I love it so much too! Maybe it's the weather. or Maaaayyyyybbeeee I'm bipolar.

One day last week I got up from my chair in front of the computer and stood in one spot for like 5 minutes without any thought in my head. Then I snapped out of it and couldn't even figure out why I was there.

I feel very overwhelmed and very unable to sort through all the multitudes of informaiton of opportunities of life so that I'm left unable to do anything.

I went to the country this weekend and that was great. I felt so useful. I felt so focused. I did a lot of my personal projects. I am making tentative plans to move there if stuff doesn't work out for me here in the next week. I dunno I have like 6 alternate life plans right now spanning in front of me. IT's wack.