The good thing about keeping a livejournal and writing about personal problems was that stuff got old pretty fast. There's always the awareness at the back of your head that you're writing for an audience, so you try not to repeat yourself. So I'm doing this here only once.

Procrastination feels more like a mild neurosis or simply a character flaw to me now. At the height of mania, I just couldn't help sticking my nose into everything that looked halfways interesting like a curious puppy dog on speed. On severely depressed days, I'm so lethargic that I'm happy for the few distractions that still work in that state. Most days, however, procrastination feels frivolous, sinful even because I could do stuff if I made a little effort, or if even slight external pressure forced me to get finally going.

When she wakes up in the morning
She writes down all her dreams
Reads like the book of revelations
Or the Beano or the unabridged ulysses

That was me flying high on LJ mania. Today, for example, I could have easily wasted at least three hours of the morning composing this post about how I dreamed about Czech pornstar Robert Rosenberg and Dutch mixed martial arts legend Bas Rutten, both hetero as they come, getting it on in the bathtub last night. Gay LJ friend from the Philippines gets excited & starts teasing me in a good natured way. Bi LJ friend from L.A. comments how she'd always liked the hunkish types. Other ladies half-swoon but complain about Rosenberg's stupid Mike Tyson facial tattoo. I attempt to fuel the debate by casually mentioning that robertek is a slang term for a vibrator in Czech. Further excitement on the ladies' side fails to erupt. Buddy D from Germany opens a sub-thread about how he loved Bas Rutten as a commenter for the PRIDE fights (a mixed martial arts format in Japan) which triggers some obvious puns & additional teasing from gay LJ friend from Philippines. German macho buddy D leaves in a disgusted huff. An amateur psychologist examines the subconscious homosexuality in male-dominated fighting sports, the military, etc. I proceed to kick the sucker off my friends list for being obnoxious and blatantly boring. 80 comments for a single post, easy.

The fact is that I loved Rosenberg in his early work when he still played the disco 'orgy' host/mc buffoon (go find the site yourself if you're a pr0n afficionado) while Bas Rutten is still one of my idols - very solid striking, great wrestling, an ex-karateka to boot, and a great anarchic sense of humor. The gay thing wasn't of any significance and didn't have any disquietening effect on me whatsoever. What was really important was that I woke up disgusted with myself because of the 3 a.m. meal upsetting my stomach and because I wasted all of yesterday on the net.

Because this is what this post is supposed to be all about - avoiding chores and responsibilities for the sake of instant gratification. I mean, I have a fucking CHOICE now. I'm not the helpless puppet of raging/numbing hormones or neurotransmitters or whatever most of the time. Wurgkh now? Yes, work.