I have got too much crap in my life.

And by crap I dont mean drama, I mean THINGS that I just dont need.

Over the summer I had gotten rid of almost everything I owned except for the very essentails. I got rid of all furniture. I bought a kitchen counter and put polls to the bottom of it and stuck it up against one wall as a desk, one end keeps my computer and the other is a work area for my sewing machine. I keep my fabric in two large stacked containers and the only other large thing in my room is my record player and albumns that take up alot of space.

I cant help but feel over whelmed. I dont want this clutter, but when I sit down to make a list of things that I MUST KEEP, they all end up being the bare minimum thats already in my room.

Im thinking there are just other things that are making me feel so closterphobic. Maybe its my relationship, knowing that he isnt going to let me go where I want in life. Maybe its my mom, knowing that if I ever plan on leaving she will be all alone. I feel like Im getting rid of everything I own so I wont feel so tied down. But the more I throw away the more I just want to get out.

I decided last week that Im taking a trip down to redding, a little place near san fransisco. My moms old hippy girlfriend lives out there and it sounds like a pretty slow paced place. I want to get out of the city, quit my job, and although I dont want to leave him, I know he wont come with me. Ill be alone, silent, in a bare apartment, it sounds amazing. Of course Ill be workings two jobs. And the only thing Ill have to do for fun is sew and ride my bike to the market. Its paradise.

The clutter thats driving me crazy will just fall away. Im also thinking about getting rid of this computer. I kind of just want to go down there with my hiking back pack and bring clothes and my bike. Start fresh.

Ill miss my sewing machine though. Sigh. I just want to be simple and clean. I dont know if Ill be happy there. But I keep this constant headache, and when ever I pass the train station on the way home from work at night I just think. Just get a ticket for as far as you can aford. and start all over.

I havnt ever had a best friend, but I just wish I had somebody. Someone I am so comfortable with we dont even have to talk, or entertain eachother. I just want someone around. Someone to ride my bike with. Someone to...hang out with. Someone who will be up for getting on a bus or a train with out having any real plans or idea about what it is they want to do. I want this person to come with me to redding.

IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?