The newest manifestation of my madness is insomnia.  It started during my last relationship.  He would fall asleep on the couch watching Seinfeld every night.  I would always wake up around 3am to get him off the couch and bring him to bed.  Since that ended about 6 months ago, I still can't sleep through a night.  I'm lucky if  I make it 2 hours at a time. 
 
And this heat....this awful, terrible fucking heatwave we're in.  It makes me feel like everything is a mirage.  Like nothing I'm thinking or feeling is ok or real or imaginary or I don't know what.  This is the first time in my history of craziness that I have felt like I might need to be institutionalized.  When I'm lying awake at 4:15, and it's so fucking hot, I start to think about everything.  My bills, work, school, family, friends...and it drives me to the brink.  It's too much.  Too, too much.
 
I want to leave my job.  Quit.  Do something I want to be doing.  I want to leave this apartment.  Every time I walk in it reminds me of failed relationships, money that I don't have, living in a city I hate.
 
This headache feels like someone is driving a large spike into the inner corner of my right eye socket.  Thinking of it like that reminds me of a book I read called "My Lobotomy."  Right now a lobotomy sounds divine.  Go ahead - stir it up in there.  Take some chunks out if you need to.  Just please don't let me feel like this anymore.
 
I've never felt worse about my life, my body, myself, my existence.  Please, just let me get some sleep.