I'm a little bit stressed out right now... my computer at home is acting oddly, with the fan sounding as if it is chewing its way out, and arrogant pdoc is too busy to call me back, or even have me as a patient it seems, and my shrink is off sick until May, and things seem to pile up around me even if I cannot for the life of me sort out exactly what it is I have to do, and I lie passively on the bed for half a day with nothing but half-assed plans rushing through my head, and I seem to be too stressed out to do anything about it... but I took a fifteen minute walk through the forest outside my house today, and I was happy to realize that I could still breathe... and it felt good. I will have to remember that the next time I feel cluttered up.
I can feel no signs of depression, I am managing to keep the curtains neatly opened, but questions are rising about the "new me" as I am now almost completely meds-free. I can feel myself going back to the girl I was before I started with these medicines, in terms of character and personality, with almost forgotten idiosyncrasies surfacing... it's strange, and it's slightly scary too, to realize that you have all these traits that are more or less wanted, and that they have been supressed by chemicals. But I have promised myself to respect and love the new me, even if she turns out to be wayward and haphazard and perhaps not as easy-going as the meds-me... and I hope everyone else will too. I keep telling myself that it is my "craziness" that makes me unique and interesting (without defining me), as I have some traits that are slightly more intense and complex... and it comes with both positive and negative manifestations, as does most things. This is what I tell myself when I notice little things about me that are hard to handle... and I pat myself on the back and give myself a hug. "There is no reason for them not to love you..."