I've just finished watching the first part of Stephen Fry's documentary on bipolar disorder, "The secret life of a manic depressive". The recording of part two went a bit wonky in the middle, so I haven't seen it to the end.

While watching the first part I was amazed at how different my perceptive is nowadays, compared to even as little as two years ago. I have changed completely, and I don't mean in a fluctuating way... I feel as I have gained some hard-earned knowledge; an understanding that seems to be so different from what you are being "taught" by the conventional mental health system. And the weird thing is, I don't know when I started looking over the fence. But now I can see it from "outside", somewhat soberly. I never believed in Santa, but I can imagine that the ones who did felt similarly when they realized that it wasn't at all the glorious Father Christmas bringing joy and peace and tranquility, but rather just an old man who has put on a costume to please the children. I can't think of a good metaphor... but I realized just now how disillusioned I feel.

Now, this hasn't really got anything to do with the documentary, but more to do with how I perceived my own reaction to it. At some points I agreed totally (mostly when questions were being asked), and sometimes I disagreed strongly (when it became obvious to me that the system is so powerful). I found the part about the two very young brothers, both diagnosed and heavily medicated, so tragic... jeez, I don't know where to start. Such coctails of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics can harm anyone, but two young boys...? It's heart-breaking. Heart-breaking. I don't see it as a competent way of handling a brain disorder, treating people that are ill like this in this way - I see it as a desperate and abusive way of trying to curb out of control behaviour... this has nothing to do with care, it's about management (of different kinds).

I respect Stephen Fry very much and I think he is an interesting human being, someone you almost automatically admire. It's an excellent documentary in every respect. It didn't teach me anything I didn't already know (it confirmed what I knew), but I think it might be very helpful when it comes to talking about these things with my partner. Stephen can help me tell the stories and show the examples. Thank you Stephen!

"If you've walked with angels, all the pain and suffering is well worth while." 

(Rod Harvey)