i want the practical things in life to be less restricting and binding and the imaginative things to be more practically applicable. Things should be able to fit together and get along without being bound up and crowded and uncomfterable. If the only other option is to be a destrutive free radical, introducing instability and increasing the entropy of whatever system it freely wanders into at night, then i just don't know. Too much like a virus only mindlessly reproducing itself using whatever resources it can get attatched to it, like all the rest. Somewhere, somehow i know i'll find a way to balance it out and be at peace, be able to sleep at night. And yet i know that at the same time i'm just as likely telling myself all about this someday future kingdom as a motivational tool to keep it up, keep on swimming till, if i'm lucky, i find some solid ground. Out here in the blue, up and over and away from i all. i have got to get out of Mililani, away from that preschool and around some people that make sense to me. Some people that don't ignore the madness but at the same time are not overwhelmed by it eiher. If such a place exists, that is where i belong. Maybe that's where music will lead, or writing or maybe even just reading the load. Too bad but we cannot gain anything without first giving something up, at this point, when space is an issue. i need to get serious about how i'll be admited into this brave new world with such people in it. At the very least i've got to be able to follow and understand what is being said, what is really actually meant. Is it true Pearl, am i compelled to create something of some kind of meaning? Maybe now is the time to end this rebellion against everyone and everything, and accept and come to terms with how nothing makes any sense at all. At least i'm in touch, now.

Time to step back out into the bigger world, but this time with my feet, one step at a time. i do plan on being surprised, i just hope schooling doesn't fuck me over. i need to finnish school, finnish what i sarted, if for no other reason then it's pretty fucking easy and useful and to make my parents happy. After what i put them through, i don't know maybe i'm just saying that to motivate me to force myself through it. They really didn't do that much to help, and a lot of it they did to themselves and for themselves. i really just don't want to be like them and end up having a kid like me. i want my offspring to be happy, maybe i'll adopt and break the cycle.