i posted a comrade jesus picture in my stumble upon blog, i will probably lose some friends. he looks like che.

oh well. i am in pain. this cayenne tho i think is helping the neurogenic thing, i mean, amazingly. but something set off something and i am back with that all over body pain that i really can barely handle at the moment. i am not sure how i am. i keep distracting myself. i sleep but for short periods. i think epstein barr might be active again because i also have a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes.

what a pain and i am a pain in the ass to be around. my family is sick of me, everyone is sick of me. but j is amazingly still here and very loving. i want so badly to be ok and do some things...i need some more neem and some garlic and all that.

i mean i got very spiritual this year. i had to. it was all i had to keep me going sometimes. it is very personal tho and i can't define it very well to people.

sunrise is happening. it is very cold here for arizona. it was 27 yesterday, more low 30s today. there is snow in the mountains surrounding us here.

things could be so much worse. but i mean pain is relative, hard to compare. mine is low key but persistent and relentless sometimes. low grade fevers too. they just make you drag along. and i appear more healthy than i am so people don't quite get it. it is just weird. people do die of this. i tell this to people and they still don't get it. they are finding people die of it. i really don't know if they know how common it is yet. there must be many who died before of it that they never knew about...this so called "yuppie disease" of the 80s...where we got ridiculed and called lazy for years...and guilt ridden for not being able to keep up or not being "connected" enough or "positive" enough cause it is "all in the head" and all these weird attitudes. i am tired of it so much. i really am. i just have to rant sometimes. it just drives me nuts. i mean it is not good for the bipolar either.

but anyways, happy solstice. i am taking it easy and taking warm baths and being nice to myself. i just can do that today. somehow it is going to turn around. all this. i am going to get better.