So things are a little better now. I have gotten to a point where I have been able to control more the waves.

I was going to go out tonight with some work people. But decided against it after a conversation I had with my roommates.

It is really difficult because they talk a lot about people who are like me with attachment issues and they talk about them negatively. Like a friend who went nuts on her. And it's like when she was talking about it and describing the situation it is exacly like how I get when I try to make friends and then get too close. How I can't regulate my emotions and feel like I am dying a thousand deaths. And I always end up with people who don't want to give me a chance at all, but shut me out because my behavior is too much for them. They can't handle it at all. And they judge it. And it HURTS so much inside.

All I really want is to love and be loved.

It seems rather impossible.

In here it is like there are constant knives stabbing at my heart and everywhere I go out in the world it's reinforced so the knives never go away because I can't gain enough internal esteem to even attempt to counteract all those external messages I keep getting.

I just wish somewhere somehow I could have a safe place to fall.