Hello, my darling blog.

Again, I have chosen my Icarus blog and not my personal blog to write on for the preservation of some sort of privacy. I still do not want people to  know that I am.... shhhh.... (looks around).....bipolar. Even though:

- I'm still holidng out for advanced scientific proof that I am bipolar. Thus highlighting the fact that I still believe that I am not, in some way or other.

- I could give a fuck less what people think about me, especially within the context of 'being different'. People's ideas of what is mentally ill and what is mentally healthy are completely arbitrary. And, I do mean completely.

- I am the picture of what a 'highly functioning' medded bipolar person is, therefore, I have the same terrible obvious faults as everyone else, but am not noticably moody, etc.

Although the past few months have been hard, and have tested my abilities to lay low. I was cycling pretty bad the last time I wrote on here, my darlings. It was right before our internet was cancelled and also before my new psychiatrist promised to take me off the meds I am on. The promise of being free from Effexor's expensive withdrawl syndrome has been a light into my musty heart, keeping me going with vigor for the last three weeks. I have been on Effexor for five years, about. The doc that prescribed it for me shut down his practice months after I started. Then I had to settle for whomever my insurance would afford me, and student health care docs. All of whom found it too "risky" or "just not the right time" to get me off the drugs. I was on a med 'scolarship' with Wyeth and SmithKlien to get my meds for free, so it was also advantageous for me to not change anything up, or else I would have to pay out of pocket for the meds. And throughout the last five years I have witnessed a weight gain of over SIXTY pounds, the loss of any artistic desires, increased suicidal thinking, and chronic low-level depression. And so, the prospect of getting off this terrible pill has delighted me. I feel better already, moving down from 300 to 262.5mg.

Anyway, the crazy cycling has abated. So, that's amazing. But, I contracted a terrible inner ear/sinus infection days before my sister in law's wedding. We (my partner and I) had to fly across country on Monday. I'm not sure, but I don't remember ever being in more pain in my life. It has been pretty awful, and I have to stay happy and chipper for Peter's parents. Whcih is actually quite good for me. I think a lot of pain is about your attitude, and unfortunately, I usually let mine get the best of me, and I indulge in self pity. But keeping it together really does change the level  of pain I feel, so I guess what I'm saying here is that I have an attitude problem and I need to work on it.

Thanks for indulging my banter, dear blog. Send my love to your family of other blogs, ok?