Dearest, Dearest Sascha,

Yesterday, I went to see you at Bellevue and I chuckled on the way there because I was there exactly a year ago.  I was kinda hoping you were on the same floor I was on so that I could say hi to the staff and see if they remembered me.

When you came in the room and gave me the biggest of hugs, it made me so happy.  Right now, I feel like crying because I'm tired from staying up all night playing on this computer and now I'm at work, not working but typing letters to you in a blog.  I also feel like crying because I read my journal from nearly ten years ago and it briefly told how we consummated our friendship.   I still don't know exactly how it happened.  All I know is our relationship is kinda based on food,  Mangoes, cake frosting, bunches of Kale....ohhh and recently pizza!

Delusions, delusions, Delusions of grandeur, delusions of being in love,  delusions of thinking I'm loved.  I can't trust my memories because I can't tell the difference between my daydreams and reality.

You're very real to me, Sascha.  you read my wacky e-mails full of angst and weirdness and you tell me that you love me.    I don't know what to do with your crazy ass because whatever you need to do to be healthy, I need to do the same.  I can't take my meds all the time (actually, I've been good about it lately), I never get proper rest, I don't eat properly and then I wonder why I feel that everybody hates me and that I'm a piece of shit.   It's silliness, I tell you, sheer silliness.

So, I'm coming back to visit you again, to bring my camera and show you books, to listen to you talk your words of manic frenzy.  To get loving hugs again. 

Sasch, I love you so much!!!

Barbara