what do you do if the reality you have isn't the real reality? does it become a fake reality just because you realized or think that it isn't real? or does the fact that its not real make it any less real? is it selfish to want a false reality to be real? i don't know. i don't care. i won't know what i'm supposed to believe what i'm supposed to feel. i say i won't because i've decided to actively turn my back on to what i know are my true feelings. yeah it's childish, yeah its stupid but i don't care.

rambling aside. it's obvious that i've lost my way in this game we call life. i know what i'm doing but i don't know if i want to do it anymore. maybe i'm in a manic state. if that's the case i won't make any rash decisions. but not making decisions to do what i feel makes me feel like i'm lying to myself. i've gone 2 years without having this feeling, this restlessness. i don't want to go back to where i was before. having active conversations with a version of me that did/did not exsist debating arguing what i would do next. i can't do it again i can't put myself, my family through it. but at the same time i miss is i want it back the feeling of freedom. freedom even if it means my own destruction. many people tell me that my username is self fullfiling, maybe they were right. i don't know. truth is relative. that's the only truth that gives me peace. the only truth that hasn't left me yet. so i use it as my life preserve when i feel like i'm sinking like i am now. but if i can't i'll fall into darkness all over again. i'll became a soni.