Today I realized that every day I was living symptom free of my disorder was a blessing. I was having a conversation with my current roommate and a mutual friend who wanted to get a house to rent with all of us together in Feburary/March, six months or so from now. We thought about it and decided to discuss it in January because we could all be in different places in six months.

And I thought, wow, six months from now, who knows what I'll look like compared to all the changes that happened to me in the last six months and last year. Last year at this time I believe I was in the state hospital in Georgia. Now look at me, geez!

And it just hit me, every day I live without symptoms is awesome and I know how fragile it is. I am well now, but the thing is...I have never been well before so I don't know how it all works. Can it be taken away in one fell swoop? Will I have a slow turn toward out of control manic or out of control depression? Will I just be me how I am right now? Have I drawn a line and stayed on this side of it? I just don't know. I always know that in the back of my head...I have a neurological disorder and who knows if it is degenerative and one day I will lose it again. So much is unknown and it presents differently in every single person.

I think part of my healing has been to take it one day at a time literally. I haven't thought six months ahead in such a long time it was actually weird for me. And that's when I realized the fragility of my health because of the unknown. I have never been well for an extended period of time like I have been now and I just have never been "here" period. So I don't know what to expect for the future.

Maybe this period of wellness was God's gift to me because he knows what's in the future for me and it's not good. Or maybe I just got well and this is the way it is going to be. I just don't know. I'd like to think that six months from now I'll have my license back and a car and a cell phone and I'll be getting along just fine. That's the picture I hold in my mind and I like it, so I go with it and work with it. Every day is a blessing to me.

I still have some symptoms like the psychosis but medication takes care of that, so as long as I take my one medication I'm okay. I have supplements to help with the rest and behavior management. I have started new, healthy habits that are sticking. And I just changed my thinking and I'm all the better for it. But I know deep in the back of my mind that my chemicals nad neurons in my brain may get a bit bonkers some time and throw all of my well work away for crazy again. And I will deal with that in time.

For now, I know enough to just enjoy the time I have now and not dwell or worry about the future. I can't change the future as I can't change the past, but I can change what is happening in the here and now (which ultimately does change the future...) and so I choose to focus on that. Why focus on what you can't change when you are in the here and now and can change so much. Just a thought.

More musings from the after life and the things you sometimes think about!

:-)
Erin