So now old wounds are open again and they wish to not speak to me again. I can't go through this again. I wanted my family in my life so I worked so hard to get better. And not its being thrown away because of something I wrote when I was completely out of my mind and angry at the entire world. I changed and I've been different...but that never seems to matter.

Anyway...self control- I have a fucking shitload of it lol. And part of me feels proud for getting to the point where I can control myself. I can relive in my head what I want to do over and over again, but I do not cross the line. And that has made all the difference.

Sigh. But that's just me on this mad journey. It's crazy sometimes, but I probably wouldn't have it any other way. I'd rather care too much than too little. I'd rather have a million things going on than one. Then again that sounds all a little extreme ;-) But hey that's me!!! And that's the way I roll!

Just...being crazy took a lot from me and it continues to take from me. But as much as it takes it also gives. I am the person I am today and I'm happy to be this person, but a lot of it comes from being crazy. I like my fast brain and the way I can think about autism and treat these kids and I just don't think it would be possible if I was completely sane. I understand these kids in a way because of what I have been through. It's just all a very weird process that I don't fully understand.

Its all very maddening.

I just need to understand where I stand...what I'm willing to sacrifice and what I'm not...to be me.
 

So miracles...they do happen. And my work with these kids? I see that they do live on. And that I feel incredibly blessed to have been given a gift and I feel it is my responsibility to figure my own shit out so I can be fully available to these children. I can't get down and I can't stop searching for the right way to live life for me. Whether it's meds, supplements, a combo or none, I will find what is natural to me because I just want to be the best that I can be...where ever that best may fall.