I am sitting on my couch shaking right now and tears are streaming down my cheeks. I  just sent an email to a friend of mine who said she was thinking of me. I told her it's over and that my advice to her is to forget about me. I know what will happen and it isn't pretty. I have given up which means that I no longer have an investment in trying to take care of myself anymore. I am unreachable. I actually like my job, it's the only thing keeping me going right now. But like all things it will end eventually. I am trying to finish school, but it's like almost impossible. I feel like taking a leave of absence because it's just not happening for me, but I am enrolled in the minimum so I can still get the financial aid money just in case I can't get enough hours at work. Homelessness is the one thing keeping me working and going to school. If I didn't have to worry about being on the streets again, I wouldn't bother. Nothing matters to me anymore. As soon as I can make sure I can make ends meet with work and stuff I am dropping out of school, at least for now. I don't see the point. I am in a master's program in counseling, except therapy doesn't work for me so how could I possibly be a therapist? Yeah I can't. This is the wrong place for me. So I have to reevaluate things. So I like my job. I am a counselor but not a real masters level therapist or anything. I basically just babysit teenagers in a group home. Sometimes they will talk to me, but mostly I just spend time with them playing games or taking them places. I like it. But if I don't get my degree then I won't be able to pay back my student loans, which sucks. But oh well, there are worse things in life. So if I can afford to take a leave of absence after the fall then I will. I am exhausted and definitely am still not getting anywhere with therapy. Actually therapy is making things way worse. I find myself leaving sessions feeling suicidal and with all these things in my head to fester for a week until I go back. I can't tolerate it. So I am going to talk to her about that. I just don't think I am stable enough for therapy right now. So maybe the plan should be more of a stabalization type thing. I'm not sure how since none of the meds have worked for me ever. I have spent 10 years on and off of meds and nothing has helped and many of them have made the situation worse.

I still want to die. And I am getting closer to getting the few friends I do have to go away forever. Then I will be ready.