"Me" -
I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes
I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only just stops along my way
I am like the winter
I'm a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

And it's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythmn
I am carrying my prayers
But you can't kill my spirit
it's soaring and it's strong
like a mountain
I'll go on and on
but when my wings are folded
the brightly colored moth
blends into the dirt into the ground

and it's me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence

and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
that I love

I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
and I'm scared as hell
but I know there's something better
yes I know there's something better
yes I know, yes i know, yes i know
that I love
but it's me
and it's me
but it's me
-Me by Paula Cole

And that song captures my road through talk therapy. I was always the elephant in the room. I was my own worst enemy. She tried to get me to see that...that it was always me and I just didn't see it. It was always this or that or that parent or that disorder or whatever. It was never just me. It was me not exercising, it was me not taking pills or finding alternatives. It was always me who stayed up too late and couldn't get up...it was always me who didn't want to learn about meditation or guided imagery. It was always me who said never or no instead of sure, maybe or yes. It was me who chose working to death over friends and anything else. It was always me who refused to change.

Until it was me that changed. It was me that said I would survive this or that or anything. It was me who said yes, sure, maybe or I'll try that. It's me who does some form of imagery/meditation with music that relaxes me. It was me who said no to conventional mainstream treatment and yes to alternatives and a holistic approach. It was me who was more scared of holding on to let go...so I let go. It was me who decided not to pretend to be happy but show exactly how I was feeling. It was me that learned to let go and just be freakin' happy.

I was my own worst enemy and the best friend that I've ever had. It was all me.

Erin