So for most my life, or at least since I developed bipolar disorder in my teen years, I have tried to tailor my disorder to my life. I tried to put a square peg in a round hole. And that's how people, or at least some of the mainstream treatment, told me to be. Take these meds, they will take away your symptoms and you will be able to live life the way "normal" or "neurotypical" people can and do. Or go to therapy and we will fix your mind so your thoughts become like everyone elses. THIS is THE way it SHOULD be. You have to do it this way. You can't do this because it will make you too manic. You can't do that, it will make you too depressed. Do this, do that...all so that I could live and function in the normal world. So I tried very hard to supress so many different aspects of myself to not to appear odd or weird or worry other people. That took a lot of energy and in the end it was to an unreachable end. I just COULDN'T be like that. It was impossible. It was incompatible. It was un-natural.

Then I changed a lot of things in my life and I started over some where new. But this time, with a different mind orientation. I tried to tailor my life to my disorder. And it's never been more natural. I have found ways to compliment the things that may be odd. I have an un-natural level of energy no matter how hard I try to calm down- so I found a job where I could be that "high" for ten hours five days a week and sometimes on the weekend. All of my manic energy that could be self destructive is turned toward something productive. And then to make sure that state doesn't persist outside those ten hours, I found ways to calm myself, naturally (through music and meditation etc.). I found friends that appreciate my uniqueness (to quote a friend). I allow my brain to be fast, like it wants to be, like it naturally is. I don't take a shit load of pills to hide everything. I take an anti-psychotic because well, I just get too paranoid without it and a few other things. And I take a sleep pill because no matter what, I don't have the thing in my brain that tells me to go to sleep. So I just have to take a pill and I get my seven to eight hours.

So now I'm out of the mainstream model somewhat- at least of what they used to tell me to do. I live exuberantly and you know what- that is a-okay. I feel natural and healthy with what I am doing right now. I am no longer trying to make pieces fit that don't. I guess it's a round peg going into a square hole, but circles can fit inside of squares better than squares can fit into circles lol.

So I love how I feel now and I don't have so much "pressure" to be someone I'm just not. I am just me, with wha ever excentricities. I think part of my healing has just been the acceptance of me. Not just of the disorder, but ME. Because it is just a part of me. My brain does go that fast, my energy is that high all the time, I can be that creative and my brain does think that differently.

Just a thought or two ;-)

Erin