Well I finally got out of my house for something other than work. I was going to go do something with work friends and I couldn't because I got triggered at home. And was crying pretty hard. And it took a long time to calm down and then I went to bed. Then I decided to go to this brunch with my friend and I did and there was a group of people and one of them asked about M and I started crying. She was like "sorry didn't realize it was a sore subject." I could tell she didn't mean to upset me. I'm just annoyed because I get so upset so easily. It's ridiculous. M isn't around anymore. Why can't I get that through my brain and just forget about it? It's like that song by Evenescence-

"I'm so tired of being here, supressed by all my childish fears and If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone, these wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried I'd wiped away all of your tears, when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, I held your hand through all of these years and you still have all of me"

"I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone but though you're still with me I've been alone all along."

It's just like that. Only I didn't even know her that long. It was just really intense for the time I did know her and I haven't known anyone very long. I've never had any long term relationships with anyone. My parents aren't dead, but legally they didn't have custody of me for a long time when I was a kid so after they sent me away, I didn't belong to them anymore and became an orphan. They made the choice they didn't want me back. It STILL hurts so much. But I know it was better for me. Of the 3 siblings I have the best deal. I am the most functional. It doesn't make it hurt less though. And since I have major abandonment issues, it's like impossible now for me to do relationships and for anyone to put up with me. Because I get so scared they will leave me just like my parents did. So I guess in a way, it continues because I am so afraid of it. I have left first all the relationships, or just not gotten close because I was too afraid.

M is the first person I let love me and didn't leave first. Then she left me. I knew she would. But I hoped it wouldn't be so soon and it wouldn't have meant we couldn't be friends again. But then life just throws curve balls sometimes. And you have to sink or swim. Right now I am sinking. This curve ball hurts worse than anything I have ever greived yet. Probably because it is a mixture of my mom stuff and all those other friends in the past that have left like that. Bringing back all of that. All the times I moved away or they did...so many losses to greive. And a lot of people who left because they just couldn't deal with me, like M. Those are the hardest ones to greive. I guess I am just still greiving that.

I'm not quitting school yet though. I am giving it a little more time before I quit. I think if I gave up now I would regret it.

Thanks to those of you that have offered me support. I am trying to get aorund to all your blogs but it is slow coming so hang in there and I will offer everything I have to give right now.