So I have been having a few interesting thoughts lately. I am going the whole supplement route except for one actual medication for the psychoticness of me. Part of me was wondering this- even though I am going the natural route, aren't I still trying to accomplish the same thing- control moods and my brain etc. Am I still trying to be un-natural in natural coating. I have felt like my brain was slowed this week after being on the supplements for two weeks. I also felt less pleasure, like I didn't get as excited with new stuff some of the kids I work with were doing. I felt less inspired. I did not like that feeling.

By taking the supplements am I just trying to get in harmony with myself? What is the true me? I mean I have myself figured out by the soul and heart so now I'm still trying to figure out my brain. And I am realizing what I do NOT want to sacrifice. I love my fast brain, I'll admit it. But I like the fast brain without the extremities of behavior. What can I sacrifice and be naturally me?

What if me is just someone with a fast brain and runs a little senstitive to stress and I just find coping mechanisms so I don't go into rages. What if that is me in harmony with myself and everything else I try to do is making me more unnatural.

Or what if the natural me is the me who takes supplements and runs a little slower as a result but does not go into rages or any other kind of negative behavior.

I think maybe because my whole life was run in manic mode for the most part...I don't quite know what it's like to run slower. And so part of me feels like going fast is my natural self. I still think that even when I run slower...I am still faster than most people but it just seems like such a big difference to me.

This is why I'm going back to counseling. To figure this out- what is me...what can I sacrifice, what do I not want to sacrifice. How do I navigate this new after life world a little better. I feel like I have come so far and have changed so much, I need someone to give me some reality check's. My mind is open to so many new things and new ways of being and it will be nice to get feed back on what I'm thinking and experiencing.

I have been better for over nine months now. No mood fluctuations. No 'episodes' of anything. Just me being me, exploring and searching for myself. I know I have found the essence of me and so now it's about rounding out my life to enhance the happiness and joy I feel. And to make the days that are hard a little easier. I know I will still have bad days, but learning to manage them a little better can't hurt. I just need to understand where I stand...what I'm willing to sacrifice and what I'm not...to be me.

:-)
Erin