Well I guess this is a new start where no one knows me. I feel so many swirling emotions that are so out of control I am not sure what to do. Part of me wishes I could die, the other part feels as though I will. And somewhere in the middle is some sort of me, Little One. She is my little girl inside grown up me. There are a lot of people who don't like her very much. I don't like her much either. I have a couple of people who claim to love her and a friend she fell in love with, but who now doesn't want her around anymore. I feel very sad about that. I haven't really had a safe space to talk about any of this until I met this woman who gave me that space. And I tried to be really good. I tried not to be too upset most of the time, but ended up really attached to her. I couldn't help it because I love her. And she doesn't seem like she likes me anymore. I am not sure why. She just seems like I annoy her. But she isn't telling me. So I am backing off a bit. And the other girl doesn't want  me around anymore either. There is a guy who likes me even when I am little. Sometimes I have a hard time reaching out to him as well. And what I am left with is a bunch of people wanting and needing me for just about anything and me having nowhere to turn when I need help. I'm a lifer. Not like a once in a while has a problem down person, but a lifer. The pain I struggle with lasts for many years, decades....my entire life. I haven't been able to find anyone that can help with that pain. I have found a lot of people who were willing to lock me up. I have found people who don't want to lock me up, but can only take so much pain. I haven't been able to trust enough to let the people in who may be able to hold it just as it is. When I do trust, it seems to confirm the idea that I am too much. At night I hold my teddy bear and cry. A LOT. I don't have a mommy or a daddy. I only have a teddy bear. Sometimes I like to pretend she is Little One and I am holding her and my friend is holding us. I don't think this friend wants to hold us anymore though. I feel really sad about that. Sometimes I wish I could get rid of Little One the same way she was thrown away by her mom. But I never can get rid of her. I am trying to learn how to embrace her.

I don't think any other place would be appropriate for this sort of blog, but I think maybe here someone would get it. I'm starting over. No one knows me and I don't know them. I just had my heart broken by a girl I fell in love with. And now her and her friends are all sorta gone. And I feel so alone as though I am unreachable and there truly is no one in the world who could ever love me the way I am. it is hard for me to find likeminded people. I know there are people who feel sorry for me. But I don't know a lot of people who get me. The ones I do know don't have time for me in their life.

I have the next 2 days off of work and it will be tortuous. I'm just needing a friend right now. So I thought I would write so maybe I could make friends, even if they are cyber friends.