Sometimes i wonder if I'm kidding myself. Like if it's all a joke. All of this insight, all of this fighting. Is it all fucking worth it? Am I going to get to the place that's in my head? To a place where I don't have to wonder where I'm going to sleep every night? Where I don't have to just buy ramen noodles for 15 cents for every meal. I'm starting to feel fractured. I have this awesome job where I am kicking ass and doing wonderful things with children. Nothing touches me from about 8am-6pm. And then it all falls apart. After work I'm concerned with where I have to sleep, what I'm going to do. It's like I only exist for those ten hours. The rest of the time is just bull shit.

And I'm fighting. I'm fighting so hard for my life. But...every day it's just getting a little harder to get up. Or maybe the time has come when my disorder is reasserting itself. If I were to tell the truth, thus far I've omitted info. I haven't been on meds in months. Well, the only meds I've been on are about 50mg of Seroquel to help me sleep at night. Occassionally I take .50mg of Risperadal but only to mask symptoms at work. I was doing so well, I thought maybe just that low dose of Seroquel was all that I needed. But...I am paranoid as fuck and it's wearing on me. I am mixed- high energy but feeling it negatively. I'm critical of everything I do and every mistake I make is magnified. And then I wonder if I'm deluding myself that everything is going to be okay. I feel like I'm on a yo-yo sometimes. And I'm trying so hard to smile, but sometimes I think if someone really looked in my eyes they'd see that my mind is falling apart.

I need to pdoc, but how the fuck am I supposed to get there, I don't have a fucking car. I have to pay double rent this month PLUS the fee to break my lease. All amounts equal about $1500. I make about $1600 in two paychecks. Everything I have, again. I hate fighting tooth and nail for everything. But it's not about me anymore, all that I'm fighting for. I got this job and I did amazing things with some of these kids and so now...now I fight to stay with them. I've shown some of them the light and I can't take that away. I think this job was the saving of me. If all of this had broken down while I was at that daycare doing jackshit...I could easily see myself just grabbing my backpack and disappearing. But I realize that I do mean something and it's worth fighting for. So I do get up every day and for ten hours every day I'm pretty happy. Except for the rampant paranoia sometimes. But I try and lessen that by just wholly focusing on my kids.

I'm realizing for the first time how hard it is to control my disorder solely behaviorally. To have certain things exist, but ignore them. That is fucking hard. It's like in A Beautiful Mind how he still saw things (though in real life it was hear things) and just chose to ignore them. I have things that...aren't there and I choose to ignore them and it is fucking hard. To constantly combat the thoughts and the things I want to do, but I know not to. It's draining. It's draining every part of me. But maybe all I need is some Lithium again or something to even things out a bit and then maybe it won't be so hard.

And in another week...I'll be moving in with someone new- I'll have a roof over my head and a steady ride to work and Charlie will have a new home and my cats will be with me every day. And that'll be my existence while I save up money for a car and figure my way out of that mess. And I gotta get a new phone so I have contact with the world. So maybe I'm just tumbling down and getting ready to build things back up again. It's just so damn fucking hard and it gets tiring.

But I just remind myself that things are different here. I think my first eight months here were a honeymoon and now that honeymoon...that cloud that I was floating along on...is gone and everything is hitting me. And this is my test, the real test, if things are different. If things are different...I won't come out of this weekend with new scars. If things are different, I will have made a budget for the next month to pay for everything. If things are different...maybe I'll have a good cry for myself. If things are different...I will start myself on my left-over Lithium. Lithium, at one point in my life, changed my life. Though my daily living habits were still crap...Lithium allowed me to get stable enough to heal through my past. Then I just got dumb and things went to shit and they had me on such a high dose of lithium it got toxic and I played with it too much. But...I remember how it helped. And so I have probably a months worth left over...so maybe because I can't afford a doctor right now...I can take my old pills and see how it does and maybe it'll stabilize things.