Another day in the after life. Been taking Risperadol pretty regularly now and it's helping with the paranoia. I forgot yesterday and I totally noticed. It was a very hard day for me trying to keep things together. I took every comment and made it bad. But it's all good.

It's interesting trying to explain to people how now is different from before. It's just...my whole life is different. Before I was just in this crazy life where I did crazy things. I let my mind run my life. I was addicted to the mania and didn't see any reason to get better- there was nothing for me to hang on to. Nothing for me to understand why the after life would be better. But then I almost lost my life, not in the suicide sense, but in the light in your eyes kind of sense. Like I was being considered for a group home. Me, of all people. And I realized that I had lost everything. That's what the crazy life got me in the end- nothing.

So I had everything to gain by changing, so I just did. I drew a line in the sand and said I would stay on this side of it and I have done so.

I treat my disorder differently than before- I apply the knowledge I always had. I am DOING something instead of just THINKING about doing something. That is a huge difference for me. When problems come up, I deal in solutions. Before, who knows what i might have done- flip a coin, that was my odds.

And I LOOOVE life now. I truly enjoy it. Even the bad days- they are not so bad. I have had moments here that my heart is bursting with joy and I can't wipe the smile off my face and I want to cry tears of joy. The only time I had felt like that in the before life were perhaps on some momentus occassion where Julia or Bailey might have done something amazing. Maybe the first time Julia said I love you, or learned addition or learned her name or learned to express her wants/needs. Or when Bailey laughed for the first time, or when he kissed and hugged for the first time or when he said his very first word. But even when those things occured, my heart was bursting right there in that moment, but not later. There were always darker more sinister parts to me.

But not here. I have those moments all the time with the children, but then it stays with me. So many times when I've been driving home from work, I just feel such immense joy. And I have never had that in my whole entire life. Maybe that is a little sad to say that, but I think it's a miracle. And I feel thankful and blessed.

I understand now about living life and why someone would choose to live life. I get it. Before I just saw suffering upon suffering and just bad things all the time and darkness all around. Now I see sunshine all around (and not just because I live in phoenix lol). And I work very, very hard to keep this life I've made for myself.

And so when the bad times come, I use my coping skills I always knew about because I understand how they work for me now and why it's important to use them- so I don't lose this life. There is something worth fighting for and that has made all the difference.

And so perhaps things are different now because of choice. Maybe one post I"ll explain what it was like in the months perceeding up to moving to Arizona, but suffice to say it was one of the bleakest of my life. I was in the hospital almost two weeks or more out of every month. I lived with a crazy woman who I was also dependent upon and lived with her crazy children who I felt sorry for and tried to help but they just...it was weird. And I had no money or anything. I had nothing at all. And I just saw no hope anymore. I didn't even really have my family and I had no friends. I was just living from one hospital visit to the next. I was in like three different hospitals like six different times in just three/four months. I hadn't worked with kids iwth autism for over a year and I had burned a lot of bridges in that small town. I went from brilliant, intelligent therapist to crazy woman. And I could have never stayed there and "made it" because too many people knew too many things.

So I had a choice. To keep on doing all of that and having no hope and confining myself to a group home and remedial jobs or just change everything about my life and start from the beginning and build a strong foundation. Change happens when the fear of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go. I feared letting go, but I feared holding on so much greater.

It is curious here that my moods are not shifting so far up or so far down even with little medication. I don't fully understand that. One of my few hypothesis is that there is no seasonal change here and my moods used to run with the seasons. My moods could have been stress related and now I have far less stress to deal with so I don't fly out of control. I treat myself behaviorally now and I just choose not to indulge in certain things. I choose, I choose, I choose. And that can make all the difference in the world, I am coming to understand.

Will I always be this sane? I honestly don't know. It could grab me again some day and all I can do is pray that it doesn't and do the things I know I need to do to be healthy and live this life. I can't spend my time worrying about what might be and then lose the things that are going on right now and forget to live. I feel joyous, at peace and contented. What more could I ask for? I choose not to overanalyze but keep on doing the things that are working. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I think all of this was always in me, but the environment was set up for me to not thrive. So I changed that parameter of my life and this is what it has now given me. pretty damn good if you ask me.

So three cheers for this after life. So far so good except for those few posts with a few fucks in them ;-) I have a roof over my head, an exceptionally good roommate, some loving cats, food to eat and a kickass job. I have relations with my parents and I have honest to goodness friends. And that's something I've never really had. Oh, I was liked alright...I could be downright charming. But no one ever knew the real me...and no one really ever stood by me (except maybe my professor/friend). And I understand it was hard to be with me because I had such extreme's. People were always afraid to get that one phone call announcing I was dead. Plus I worked 100+ hours a week and I chose everything over friends. But not anymore!! But I digress.

And now sleep meds are kicking in. I'm just glad I'm me and that I weathered the storms and come out all the stronger. With much faith and hope, I look forward to the future and I will continue to do all that I can to stay well. And to just be nobody but me.

:-)
Erin