It has been a bumpy ride recently. I have a lot of different stressors coming from different places. I am very worried. But, I have a hard time expressing that to anyone. I think part of me is afraid to talk about any of the stressors because I don't want anyone to worry about me or wonder about me. I have worked very hard in Arizona to be a new me in a new life. So right now, I'm trying to be the picture of control and restraint.

I have noticed recently though, the days where I want to be just left alone and I don't want to be touched or talked too...well they are growing more frequent. And I know internally, that is not a good sign at all. I want to talk, I just don't know what to say. I'm not scared exactly, at least of the past moods bubbling up or taking actions that I used to take. I'm not sure what I'm scared of exactly, I guess. In fact, I think I don't know entirely how I feel. Which is why, I suppose, music has been so very important to me lately. I'm expressing how I feel.

I also see little things happening. Like how once a comment just in passing, stuck with me all day and ate at me all day. In the past, I would have just let that roll off my shoulders. It is now...where I see the medication I take is so important. They do help regulate me in a way, especially when stress happens to me. My system reacts in extreme's and though a lot of it is behaivoral, some of it I know is my impaired flight or fight response.

But no matter what comes at me right now, I think, I will not be like before. I am forever changed. I notice these little things, but in the big picture, they are next to nothing. I am still enjoying the little things. I am still a functioning human being. I am still moving toward solutions. I will still be okay. I think in the back of my mind I still hear little voices telling me that I won't succeed, that I am destined to fail and that I'll never be more than my past and disorders. And those voices...well those are the voices that make me take each new step every day...they make me go forward not backward. They remind me of where I need to go and what to keep walking away from. I used to believe those voices...but though they are still there, the volume is turned down and I choose to ignore them or use them as fuel to keep going.

I think a lot of this disorder is choice. Choosing not to indulge in certain appetites. I read sometimes about others with bipolar think and I am amazed at how many cling to the extreme's. I know...it is a disorder of extreme's. And I understand it, because I chose to indulge in those extreme's time and time again. They talk about how getting rid of those extreme's turn them into someone else or they feel numb or they lose their happiness. And I remember being that way. And I think about my life now. I choose not to indulge in extreme's. And while in the past I thought that would bring me numbness and a passionless life, I haven't found that in reality. I have found instead...that I could take those things that brought me so much passion and channel that passion in a stable life. Treating kids with autism was always a passion...and one I took to the extreme of everything and promptly lost everything and in the end...I flew so high that...it interfered with that passion. But now...I channel all of my manic tendencies into something good, into something that could use my passion. But not in excess. I think one of the keys to being bipolar and being stable is to channel all of that pent up manic stuff into something good that you can control and have boundaries for.

And while part of me sometimes wants to errupt in a glory of extreme's...I choose not to. Because I finally have a life that brings me happiness everyday...and I don't over-whelm myself with a million activities that eventually I can't keep up with so I end up in a depression stupor. I broke my life down to the bottom and now I am adding things as I can take them, so as not to over-involve myself. When stress happens, I don't go running for the extreme's...I take it all instride.

And so I think that is when I become quiet...because I am trying very hard to keep an even keel because that is what is important to me now in the life I lead. So that just means a little more music for me, maybe a little art and a little alone time. And I think in the end...that is okay. Maybe soon I'll get up the guts to talk about the things going through my mind, but maybe, just maybe, I'm not ready yet. And that's okay.

There's a quote, "Nobody realizes that some people expend a tremendous amount of energy merely to be normal." Albert Camus. That's me. I spend a lot of energy trying to be normal. But of course I can hear the bipolar crowd shout about what is normal? Who wants to be like everyone else? We are who we are. But at the same time...the way life is now...people as a whole aren't ready for those constant extreme's...it's not functional to this life on earth right now. And its' not that I want to be normal or I want to conform...it's just I need to appear to be normal to live the life I want. But don't be completely mistaken that I am just a numb conformist normal wannabe. I'm not. I am very, very passionate and I have some moments of extreme passion. But I'm smart...I found an avenue where that is all okay, where it's not seen as abnormal or cause for concern. My work gives me the creative freedom that my heart and mind need to create a more normal exterior. Sometimes it can come out after work, but for the most part I can expend all of that manic energy from 8am-6pm every day and then the rest of my life is okay.

I am not normal and I never will be, but I didn't want to be an outsider for the rest of my life or someone that has to be hospitalized every three months or someone that finds her way to suicide sometimes or a razor blade or a woman that can't keep friends because it's too hard for everyone else or someone that lost her family with the tides and ebbs of her moods. I lived that life and in the end it was too much to hold. So yes...I work very hard at being normal so I can have friends, family, a roof over my head and a stable job to bring me money to live this life. But I have my secret- the secret is that at my job I"m probably manic all day, but it's in a context that is acceptable. It is okay for me to be as loud as I am (I can be heard down the hall ways) because I am cheering on a kid that is trying to talk. My brain works very fast at work which is wonderful because that is exactly what the kids need. And I have people coming to me for advice the whole day long, so the the racing thoughts are hidden and actually reinforced because I have to think on my feet for ten hours. It's perferctly acceptable that I am laughing and carrying on and throwing kids around because that's part of my job.

And I think perhaps that is what the secret is for many people who are successful with bipolar. They find something, usual a job, that they can be extreme in. You hear a lot of stock broker types with bipolar, actors, singers, etc.- well, I think that suits that kind of life well. Or Dr. Jamison...she found a job where it pays to be a little manic sometimes. The trick is though, to also expend energy to live in the normal world. So my extreme's end at 6pm (okay sometimes 7) and I am back to slowing my thoughts, quieting my voice, becoming more introspective and everything is slowed. My mornings are calm as I begin the day, just rising, getting dressed, talking to my friend and getting set for the day. Then 8:30-9am comes and I get revved up and can stay that way the rest of the day. So I guess, my days are in a cycle, but it's a cycle that lets me a live life well.

I think the problem comes when I have extra stressers. But I'm dealing with them. I'm choosing not to indulge the depressions tugging at me. I'm choosing music expression instead of pain expression. I'm choosing writing over blood. I'm choosing solutions and not indecision. Strength is a matter of a made up mind and I made up my mind when I moved here that things would be different. And I get strength from that. And so this is all just another testament to me here in the present and future. A life with controlled extreme's if there is such a term. :-)