Well, things are settling down now. I raged for a few weeks because of all the shit that happened- no car, no phone, having to stay with people and feeling like a burden, telling people I have bipolar etc. It was all a lot of changes at once.

In the past, I would have made new scars, I would have gone crazy, I might have been in a hospital, at least back in counseling and a pdoc. I might have lost my job. I might have become obsessed. I might have done other crazy things.

But I didn't. The worst I did was buying razors and then staring at them for a whole night. But I drew a line and I'm still on this side of it. I took some of my old mood stabilizers and started to take them. I listened to music, I painted. I let out my hurt through artistic means.

And now I'm reaping the benefits. I am calmer now. I feel okay. I don't feel like putting my fist through a wall or wanting to feel pain. I feel some anxiety but it's not taking me over.

So this is the after life. Shit happens but you deal with it. You don't do (too) many things out of the norm. The feelings still come and overwhelm, but don't destroy. You learn...gasp...coping mechanisms. AND THEY WORK!!! It was hard in the past to believe in something that I didn't know if they would work or not. I had to try new things and believe ahead of time that they would work. That is hard. That's why some people keep doing self destructive things- because they are known, you know the effect and sometimes the effect is temporarily good. So you keep doing the same ole thing because you are afraid of trying something new and not knowing the effect.

But you gotta let go of that sometime. Because sometimes new things work! Change happens when the fear of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go. Think about that. I did and it changed my life. I changed my life.

And so here I am in the after life, with a few bruises and bumps, but alright. I changed my life, I changed myself, I changed my disorder and now I can live life because of that. And enjoy life at that!!!

From darkness to light I have come :-)

Erin