The After Life- it's all good
Submitted by Ecatcher12 on Sat, 08/09/2008 - 7:41pmSo I have a quote in my office now (one of many) that says, "I have a fast brain disorder." LOL.
I'm nervous tonight. Tomorrow I have a meeting with a family (mom, dad and grandma) about one of the kids I have to explain what I want to do and why I think it's going to work. I know tomorrow when I wake up the addrenaline will hit me because I love getting "in" to it. My mind just turns on and thinks like no other time, but I just have to be in the moment.
It's funny, but some of what I know did not come from actual research, but from personal experience. To what I have experienced in my own "meltdown's" when I flew into rages and couldn't use my voice. So I had to figure out ways to explain why I know what I know without actually saying, well you know I once beat the wall with my fist in the "quiet room" because I couldn't stand what was happening to me on the inside. Or how I took a shower curtain rod to the mirror in the hospital. Can't quite relay those stories. A lot about how I've taught children with autism emotions and affect regulation came from how I taught myself emotions and affect regulation...but adapted because kids with autism have actual language and cognitive delays.
It's nice that I can use my old knowledge in this after life. But because of stigma, I have to be careful about how I talk about the before life. Part of me is screaming to get back into mental health advocacy. Except I just don't have the money and I don't have the car. I would love to go to a NAMI meeting, but I don't want to have to drag my friend there...
I just miss being out there on the front lines and educating the world about this disorder that is a curse, but much more a blessing. And I'm finally in a position to do it...meaning I'm not currently nuts anymore, I am in the after life. Before I was doing advocacy and even had national exposure, but I was not a very good model since I was still pretty unhealthy. But not anymore.
So maybe I'll try my hand at it sometime later this year or make it my goal for next year. But I have to remember that with advocacy exposure comes stigma and other people knowing and judging. And I have to realize my first priority is to the kids I treat and I have to make sure that my exposure will not...impact the kids therapy because of others mis-judgements. Already, I am constantly wondering what my boss thinks of me having this disorder and I'm looking so hard for any pity or special treatment that I think I'm reading far, far too much into things. Sigh.
Today I tried Risperadol as a new anti-psychotic. I was on a pretty even keel today, didn't feel too paranoid so that was happy. But I did get really tired later in the day and I don't know if that was it. Going to try it again tomorrow and maybe for the next week to two weeks- give it a good run before I try something new. I will try to be consistent- a pill every morning. And I'm tracking to see if there are changes. Today, I did not feel too paranoid, in fact I didn't write down any instances of being paranoid. So that's happy.
The things you have to worry about in the after life!!! But it's all good. Tomorrow I get to see my favorite kid (not that I have favorites ;-)) and he brightens my week and I see him for almost four hours!!! I see him the most out of any kids and we have just bonded and I think that bond is healing both of us and we are learning a lot from each other. He is a special kid. I met with his parents this morning to discuss his therapy and they are awesome. I wish all families of kids with autism were like them.
Anywho, I am digressing. Today was a good day except for the jolt of tiredness smack in the middle of the day. Another day in the after life that I grow that much stronger.
:-)
Erin