So I've been trying to make a decision lately. I know I need to get back on a mood stabalizer. I'm trying to do that without having to go to the pdoc at least not until my insurance kicks in in Sept/Oct. So I found two old pill bottles with prescriptions lasting until this month and October. One is for Lithium and one is for Tegretal.

So here is the deal. Lithium changed my life once upon a time. I had tried various other MS (mood stabalizers) and none worked so I was like, hey doc, why don't we try the med that works for like 70% of bipolars. So we did...and it worked (for a while). I was able to focus on healing from my abusive past. Now eventually, I got worse and so we kept upping the dose until it became toxic and I could not read or write or concentrate and puked and peed a lot.

So later we switched to Tegretal. For the most part I think it did an okay job. The problem was my life at the time. But the side effects were nil, so it was cool.

So what do I do? Try Lithium or try Tegretal. I am not sure. Part of me is leaning to the low dose of Lithium because I know it worked. Tegretal is harder to figure out because my life was nuts at the time anyway.

So I guess this is an issue in the after life. When you still need meds, which ones do you stay on for maintance. Same thing with anti-psychotics. I just ran out of Seroquel and I can't afford it without insurance. So I have a few options. One is Risperadal, which does an okay job and then I have two older version anti psychotics which worked okay- kept the voice and paranoia away...but which one do I pick. Maybe it doesn't matter as much as it used to? I don't know. I know, I know, I need a pdoc to discuss this with.

But once upon a time, I looked up the chemistry between all of the meds and looked for similarity and differences between the meds that worked and didn't work. So I myself figured out why meds were working or not working and my pdoc just basically signed the prescription slip. So I guess I need to dust out the cobwebs in my head and figure this out again. Because it is clear I need the meds. I just gotta figure out the right balance.

I am pretty paranoid right now, I take everything...well a lot of things out of context...any bad remark (even if it's not that bad), it stays with me all freakin' day and I spend a lot of energy trying to pretend the comment didn't really matter. And I think that is a lot of wasted energy. And I KNOW meds help with that. But I think I've been doing an okay job so far. I've learned a lot about my disorder recently. About what I can take, about what I still need, about what I can handle. That knowledge and experience is power.

I just moved in with my friend this weekend. It is going okay so far. We like each other, we have long philosphical and intellectual talks and I love it. It stimulates my brain a lot. We had one on spirituality and homosexual rights last night. She is gay (I'm not) and I just find some things interesting. She just told her parents and one of the comments they made was that it was a choice. That's weird to me. People can't choose who they are attracted to. I can't make myself be attracted to girls (okay, I have tried because I am very tomboyish and people's gaydar goes off with me, so I would try to see if I felt something for a girl and I never have, I like me some penis ;-)), just the same that I can't make myself be attracted to some guys. It's either there or not there. Period. Gender can be like when some people think a blond is more attractive than a brunette. Or the color of someone's eye. It's a characteristic.

And like, you know how politicians say there is a separation between church and state. But then why don't they allow for gay marriages. It's a religious construct that dictates a marriage is between a man and a woman. Or maybe it's a social construct, but I just don't see the big flippin' deal. Some people like people of the same sex. Big deal, that's been going on for hundreds of years. I don't know, maybe my tolerance for differences is different because of my experiences.

Anywho, off the subject there, but just wanted to say something.

The after life is still going well. Had a great day at work, some amazing things are happening. I love my kids. I love the energy I can have for those ten hours and it makes the rest of my life more enjoyable.

Life is good.

:-)
Erin