The good times are ending. My mind is leaving me again. The voices won't shut up and are so loud and so quiet at the same time...and I can't ignore them. I am so paranoid, a simple outing to the grocery store leaves me frightened and weary of everyone. I wish work would come soon because that's the only time I feel normal. I have to get to a doctor I know...I just can't afford it right now.

I will get through this I know, but it will just be really, really hard. My mind is breaking, but I have to hold it together until I can get medication again, to make it all right. Later next week I get to move in with my friend, so that will help. But tonight...tonight I can't take it anymore. The only thing that helps is putting my ipod on the loudest it can go. And I rented a shit load of movies. And I'm getting out my paints. But I've lost it this weekend and I can't take it anymore. I thought...I prayed...I hoped that all of this would not come to me again...that it was just part of a past that are only stories now. But they're not...it's just my brain, how it's going to be. And I have to deal with that. I ran away from it all and for most of these last eight months...I had a repreive from all the craziness. But running away only hides everything for so long, I know that now. And now I have to deal with how my mind is...I have to deal with it's brokenness and find a way to live a good life despite that.

I keep thinking that it was silly of me to have dreamt of a life otherwise...but it wasn't silly...it was something to reach for, to strive for. And you know, I had some of the happiness days I have had in my entire life and it was so worth it .But now there is reality and the reality of my brain and some things I just can't run away from. This is what they don't show you in the after life. You have that revelation and it changes your life...but while some things change, others stay the same. And I just don't have a normal brain, and I never will. There is no cure for bipolar disorder. There is controlling it, both behaviorally and medication wise and I believe that I can have a happy life combining the two. But of late, I have not had medication and so the signs have all returned. Before this would have broken me though. But I have learned to control myself somewhat...enough not to lose everything again. So I'm in survival mode, just for a little while. And unlike most people, I pray for the week days so I can work and leave my broken mind behind and have a good time and feel happy. When I don't have that, I lose it a little. And it's a little sad to say that work saves my mind, but I don't see it as sad. I found something in my life that is pure...that madness can't touch and I think that is a miracle.