So I finally said goodbye to M, the friend who became more than friends and then dumped me all together. It was REALLY hard. I cried rivers of tears and found that I couldn't even sensor them so they came out in public, in front of her (I still have to see her because she is in class with me) THAT was the worst. Everywhere I went tears. I even started therapy recently again with a new woman who I pay for out of pocket but who is better than the interns I was seeing. And it was the intake appt and I was sobbing the entire time. I couldn't stop. And she tried to get me to make all these decisions and think of how I could manage, coping skills....I couldn't come up with anything. It was like the most pathetic thing ever. I just felt like I was dying a million deaths and she was watching it but I was completely unreachable. I have to go back tommorow and I have no idea how it will go. It's not like I planned to be uncontrollably sobbing the first time, so who knows what will happen. I am in a lot of pain. But at least the pain is coming out in tears. I suppose I see that as growth and try to go with it. I still have no friends but I suppose I am closer to being able to try to meet people. All the people from work aren't really my type and the people from school are all really busy with other things like families and work as well. Nobody really has time for friendship in this fast paced world. I need friends because I don't have family. I am an orphan. I have awesome roommates though so that does help a little. I think one of my teachers who "adopted" me is really sick of me and wants to "unadopt" me. Story of my life. We were going to hang out and do something maybe Friday or another day but she also doesn't have time for me and I am still not so sure she actually wants to, or if she just feels sorry for me. Another story of my life. I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me. I'm sick of being the tag along. I'm sick of never fitting anywhere. I actually thought I fit somewhere for a little while. That collapsed as M dumped me. Now it seems that if you held my heart up to your ear you would here the sound of the ocean waves crashing down. It's lonely in here. And even my roommates can't understand this pain. They are more the "talk about your problems logically and solve them and move on" type of people. They don't understand that the feeling is productive. It's the only way. It is healing. I am hanging onto that. If nothing else, I am hanging onto that at least. I do feel like at least maybe miniscule parts are cleaning up and I am getting somewhere. It might just be an illusion, another story of my life. Maybe I will write a poem called illusion...I don't know.