Well...let's see. Things aren't quite as bad as they were, although therapy is not working out so well. My mind has been in a tailspin ever since I went last week and I have to try to figure out how to explain there are certain places you just can't go with someone who is suicidal. Now is not the time for challenges, or ultimatums, now is the time for gentleness. I can't tolerate any kind of harshness right now as I am still very fragile. But that is hard to explain. I guess I am going to explain it in terms of little kid mindspin. It is not me but my little kid inside me in complete and utter chaotic disorganized mindspin. She can't make sense of any information right now aside from basic understanding and compassion. She will hopefully at some point understand it but right now it is impossible. She just ends up hating herself. I almost want to say she has to treat me like I have DID, even though I don't have full blown DID or anything. Because the mindset is the same when I am in little kid minspin. I am not me, I am a little tiny kid. How do I learn how to take care of that kid? I am not sure. But my therapist thinks I should know and I just don't have the foggiest idea. I never had anyone to take care of her when she was little so I guess I just never learned how. I am so exhausted right now trying to make sense of it all. I think I will just go back to bed. I am tired.

But yes, a discussion starting from last time and what went down that I lost control of that session. Tiny kid mindspin and subseqent shut down. Fucking sucks.