ive been rebelling against myself again. not entirely sure why i do that or really, wat im going through.. alls i know is that some shit is real real up/down/zig/zag/twist/turn/push/pull/ying/yang'y in my daily life and imma tryta work it out but first, i gotta tryta work on taking it one thing at a time.

think i might be add or adhd or watever it is that means my attn spn is ltd

like right now. this page has been open for about an hour now. script has been added and removed, readded, edited and removed again. what is it that im keeping myself from and why? ive been soo quietly psyched about this place since it found me and so openly relieved to have been found that ive been mentally blog writing every since. theres just so many things i wanna work out that i just cant seem to get started. i cant find a good place to begin because every one thing needs three degrees of explanation and i just dont have the strength. guess i can just say that ive never been diagnosed with anything but that dont mean jackshit because ive never been tested either. so who knows why i am this me i am today or how i got here or who exactly this Me is. i love my wondering imagination though so lets see where it takes us......

i wonder:

why the state of our inhumane society bothers me so much.. why it means such a great deal to me how we treat one another, almost to the point of my hostility.. how i always find myself playing the role of "higher mind" or "spiritual advisor" or "counselor" or "sounding board" to my friends and associates when im soo totally fucked up in the head.. why i can see the situations of others so clearly and advise them on the best way to Good but cant see my shit for nothing and silence comes to mind when its time for self-evaluation.. how in the hell im sposedta always be your cheerleader when sometimes, gatdammit, i need u to cheer for me, too.. why you're too selfish to see that and how to best handle the emotions that arise when i realize it, or rather, admit it to myself.. what it is i do or say that makes folks feel like nothing gets to me and how come they cant see how hard im crying inside.. what the world would be like without walmart and if anyone else feels they're about to voluntarily jump off the edge if they find themselves there at too early an hour -- im a 2/3am on a wednesday night type'a chic myself -- and once i looked around and realized that i was there at like 7p on a saturday night and omfg, thats a whoole nother blog.. why i consistently hold myself back, what am i really afraid of.. why i dont clearly see my worth or value when others claim they are blinded by it.. why admiration both pleases and scares me to death.. why why why muthafuckin why do i why myself into this depressed state.. why i cant stop, even now, and try again.. why i tire of trying so easily and give up.. i wonder what im sposedta be doing here and how to start.

im tired of lookin at me now, going to jump in a pool of someone else's words and lie to myself by saying that im lookin for a distraction when really, im lookin to see if i see me there, too, and maybe, get a clue

i dont know what else to do