Its all very maddening.

I just want to cry tonigh. In fact tears are in my eyes right now. I don't know what the f*ck is wrong. I feel like...something's wrong. Or I"m just in that phase I get in as punishment for enjoying my fast brain. I don't know what to do- supplements, no supplements, meds no meds, where the hell is the path, which path am I supposed to take to be in harmony with me. Was I just fucking manic the last nine months and it was just an extended manic episode and everything I belived in was a delusion??? I just don't know.

I feel like I"m back in save mode where I have to save everybody and the world. And I remember that phase and how it destroyed me and maybe I"m scared. I just realized how much I've been working and how much its been affecting me and how little off hand comments are destroying me when they shouldn't. I don't know how to stop my thoughts. I'll think over and over again about a kids progress, about the choices I'm making and wondering if they are the right ones. And I think about my own choices and if they are the right ones.

Last night I shed a few tears in front of my roomie. I was just granted a few days off for Christmas which means I can go home for the first time in two and a half years. And I think of my brothers (who are only 13 and 10) and how while I was busy being crazy they were busy growing up and I missed out on so much. I should have been there and I wasn't and I can never ever get that time back. But I stopped myself from crying because I feared if I started I would never stop. And that was all the past and I will get to see them in just a couple of months.

And tonight I just want to cry for myself. I love my fast brain but sometimes, just sometimes, its all too much. But at the same time I cannot cope with a slower brain even if its more normal. I can't cope with either it seems. I just want to live in harmony within myself and I feel like I found that for a couple months and then I lost it some.

For some reason I can't explain I feel like I'm under some kind of time crunch with everything and its driving me insane. I'm worried about a ton of aspects about my job that aren't my job to worry about- but it affects the kids quality of service so it ultimately affects me.

And I just don't know how to stop my thoughts. I feel like I have OCD- I have obsessive and compulsive thoughts that I find hard to control.

BLAH. Maybe this is when my brain is getting to fast and its a warning sign. I know when it is nice fast and I'm enjoying the ride and its fine, but right now its speeding up to a level I can't contain.

I think maybe...I might be getting in over my head perhaps and I need to chill the fuck out before everything becomes worrisome. And I just don't know which supplements to take to help and I don't want to make anything worse.

I just...don't...know...anything anymore.

:-)
Erin