Regarding the previous blog post: I thought it was a good letter, [but she hasn't read it yet], so I have no response from her.

Today I wrote a different kind of letter. I'm posting it here as a reminder to myself what I wrote, before the message automatically removes from the sent mailbox on myspace. And of course, so others can know what I'm dealing with. After the letter, I'll explain...

The subject: How it is
The letter:

K,

I'm sure you know that earlier this year I was dealing with bipolar mania. At the same time, I felt a strong need to know people cared in my life. So I remember unloading on you briefly for not being a good friend to me, but I don't remember what else I might have done/said to offend you.

If I did offend you, you sure "got back at me" effectively. You deeply offended me by your actions in turn. And I'm sorry that I clearly offended you with mine, honestly. I never meant to offend you, even when I went off on you it was because I liked you and wanted your friendship more than you were willing to give. I can understand why you would have been frustrated, annoyed, even resentful. I just didn't realize you would still feel so negative towards me that you would badmouth me now.

It really hurts though that you told [your landlord] some shit about me that made her change her mind about letting me come over and hang out with J. I just wanted to chill and play video games with him, after not being able to go to the house for months. I've recovered fully from the mania over the past 4-5 months and wasn't about to start any drama while I was there, especially after regretting how I left. Maybe you didn't know that, but it's true.

I just don't understand how you could sabotage me hanging out there unless I did or said something that truly offended you--which you could've addressed with ME anytime before now, or even expressed by deleting me off your myspace. I'm finally getting the point and deleting you off mine.

Feel free to share any feelings you might have on the matter, but I don't expect you to. I tried to avoid saying anything hurtful to you (though I wanted to a few days ago), so please keep that in mind if you're considering responding. I'm not trying to be a bitch and I'd prefer if you could refrain from being one. Your words and actions have already had a strong impact.

Peace
~L/Reuben


The explanation: I honestly don't remember when I met K, but I found her on myspace either last December or this January and wanted to date her, but she was only open to being friends. That was fine with me, but only if she was a good friend, which I felt she was failing at within a couple months. So I confronted her on it, and she didn't take it very well, so we basically stopped hanging out.

But then she kept hanging out with MY close friend J, who I moved with into a house back in March. Two weeks after moving in I had a mania that came out in uncontrollable anger and yelling about how I'd been mistreated and how much hate I felt, right upstairs from the landlady. She kicked me out as a result.

Then K moved in with J cuz he desperately needed a roomie and she needed to move, which is what ties this all together.

So last week, J asked the landlady on my behalf if I could come hang out with him. She was ready to look past my behavior of earlier this year and said yes. Somehow K found out, and the rest is clear from the letter.

I don't even know what "shit" she could've said about me! She didn't witness any of my mania that I'm aware of--so I'm inclined to think she made shit up. Because of this I wanted to tell her I think she's a major bitch and a bad person, not to mention I know she's a slut (J told me she's slept with 8 or 9 girls in the past month at least--gross). I knew that wouldn't be right though.

I'm sure she feels more than justified in talking shit about me. She only saw me/was friends with me very briefly and our friendship basically ended while I was various stages of mania.

Yet she didn't take me off her myspace, and she remained friends with someone she knows is very close to me, even becoming roomies with him, and somehow I just thought it would all blow over and we could even hang out again eventually.

It sucks to have been wrong about this.


I know I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this. I should be grateful that her attempts to get J to think less of me have failed (oh she tried though, apparently), and J and I are still close. And I AM grateful for that. It's just been hard to spend much time with him as it is, and I really looked forward to chilling at the place I used to live with a guy I'm actually close to.

Oh well. I wash my hands of the situation. I just have to wonder if I've got more surprises coming thanks to myself of a few months ago.



I've got two main hurdles in life right now: working on relationships and finding work. I'm pretty sure the depression of last week was largely from smoking too much pot and then just not caring about anything, leading me to hating myself for not caring and not being productive, which led to further depression.

On Saturday, I refused to give in to the depression anymore, not that it was easy. But NOW I care. And I've reduced my pot use already as a result of this caring. I want to KEEP caring.