Just to get it out of the way: I really should be doing homework right now. I have a midterm exam on Wednesday and I'm not fully confident on the essay questions. And I also need to write three pages for that midterm as a kind of out-of-class component. But I can do both of those things tomorrow. Or after I've finished this. I really want to work out some things "out loud". I keep trying to do that with my mother, but it's just not working. She doesn't get that when I call her it's because I really want to talk about how I'm feeling, but I don't always have the courage or the energy to tell her that or to stop her when she's telling me about what she read today or about the movie she just saw. I don't fucking care about any of that. I just need to tell someone that everything hurts and I've been crying every day for the past few weeks. Except the nights when I just keep playing silly flash games and watching stand up comedy on youtube. But that doesn't solve anything, it just pushes it down for a bit. I wrote a letter to one friend and I think that was good. But I think that I'd like to write another one to a different friend. I love her. She's so sweet and comforting and interesting. But she's incredibly flaky. And she knows it. And I feel like I have to say it's okay when she apologizes for it. But not knowing if I'm going to hear from her is hard. And having to put in energy all the time to see her occaisionally for really short bursts of time is so hard.

Then there's my div. It's scaring the shit out of me. I think I want to talk to my old adviser about it. He's crazy, but I hope he'll actually give me an idea of what I should be doing. I just feel like no one will give me a real answer about what makes for a good topic and what doesn't. Fuck, I just want to cry and have my own room and be able to feel at home and safe. But no, that's somehow not allowed right now. There will be more of me writing here at some point, I just think that the step right this moment is to email a bunch of people about data, clear the storage closet as much as possible, and make an appointment with LM to talk about the div. Honestly if I could find data first, I'd craft the paper around the data